AmberG

22/02

Mum and dad could see I wasn't right tonight. So I told her about the conversation we had last night. She just listened. She didn't tell me not to take him back. She said they would always be there and will always pick up the pieces when he does this. They said that it is my decision and they will support me. But the way my head is at the moment I don't think I'm in any state to make this decision. Whatever I do it will be wrong. If I take him back he's going to continue to do what he's been doing. And nothing's going to change. For his own reasons he can't be with me. And I'm not going to be his dirty little secret anymore. I deserve better than that. Or maybe I don't. Maybe this is exactly what I deserve. Maybe I was Hitler in my previous life and this life is my punishment. My childhood was traumatic there's no denying that but I wouldn't want to change it. It made me the person I am today. And I wouldn't want to change that. I try to be a nice person. I would never hurt anyone because I know how it feels. If someone needs me I will always be there because I know how it feels to be alone. I would do anything for the people I love. Because I've been made to feel worthless all my life. I was the mistake I wasn't wanted. I don't know how I feel now that I have a new family. I love them but it's really hard to accept that they love me. Don't get me wrong I know they do. I just don't know why. At the moment I'm an unlovable mess. One minute I'm laughing the next I'm crying. I hate this part of EUPD. Why can't I just be happy. Why do my depressive episode have to kick my arse so much. It really wouldn't be a bad thing if I didn't wake up tomorrow. Let me die in my sleep. I don't care anymore. It would be better for everyone if I wasn't around. I need a hug. I need the kind of hug where I can feel my broken pieces being squeezed back together.

I've been sleeping with my door unlocked. Just incase something happens in the night. Who knows maybe a serial killer will come and find me.