just venting my depression and problems
2023-02-22 19:12:00 (UTC)

Who am I?

| Dairy Prompt: Who are you?

I can't really answer that completely but I'll try even tho I've actually said a bunch of this stuff in { Day 1 - Prequel }

Ok so I'm a 14 year old (white) guy

I like gaming, anime and manga.

I often say that i'm autistic or some shit but don't listen to that, it's just my way of saying I'm weird and dumb. I don't actually know if im autistic or have any other mental issue, at least I haven't gotten diagnosed with any, not that I ever took a diagnosis but yk

I'm from a small country above France.
Kind of a shithole if you ask me
They speak the worse languages ever
Along with being dumb annoying racist ass motherfuckers...

I've had loads of problems in life but not nearly as much you think.
I genuinely don't even know why I feel like this.
I don't understand why I want to die even tho my life isnt even going that badly
That's the thing tho
I'm starting to think I'm faking depression n shit cuz I just want attention except I'm not telling anyone.
Because like.
My life is fine.
Parents are still together (altho I suspect they might get a divorce cuz they haven't slept in the same bed in like 6 months)
And they don't beat me
Siblings are fine
I don't get bullied too much.
I don't have any mentall issues nor do I have any like body yk what I mean issues.
I honestly don't get why I want to kms so bad but I do and that's how it is

I have no friends.
No one I can trust.
I'm really akward in general.
I am antisocial and introverted as fuck.

I hate myself.
I want to talk to someone about it...
Just writing her isn't enough anymore
I want to say it
I want to tell someone how I feel, what I feel
I want someone to listen
I want someone to tell me it's gonna be okay
I want someone I can talk to everyday for hours at a time
I want someone that I can relate to
I hope I'll find someone

I'm not that smart
I used to be a genius or whatever
But since high school, even since end middle school, started ive always had issues.
I study for hours on end and still get absolute dogshit results.
I don't feel like trying anymore
But I don't want to fail
I don't want to be with kids who're even less mature than the ones I'm with rn

I was starting to feel better a couple months ago
But then for some reason the toughts came back
I'm tired of this shit.
I don't want to try anymore
I want to die
I feel like a worthless piece of shit failure
I'm trying my best to be a nice person
To be kind
But that's. Not who I am
I am a piece of shit
I need to kill myself
I'm not worth living
I'm an awful human being
I can't even be bothered to give any fucks anymore
I just want to die
I want it to end
But I can't do it
I just can't get myself to do it.

Fuck this actually.

If you don't hear from me again you know why...