The lonely codependent

Car accident

This morning I went to work with my dad in his car. We have a new boss and everybody had the opportunity to talk to her in person, which took several hours but it took us only a few minutes as we often keep in touch with our bosses on the phone so they didn't have much to say to us this time.

Before it was our turn my dad had suggested maybe we should leave earlier and I guess he was right after all, it wasn't really worth staying that long.

When it was over, we left for home anyway, what else should we have done? Instead of the way we went to the office Google Maps suggested another route for us which led through downtown. We were going on the bank of the river next to some sights and the weather was very good so I was grateful for this experience.

We also drove past the place where I used to live with my ex and the same feelings came up yet again, that I need a partner who seems perfect to me. I quickly calmed myself down, still thinking that I really need to understand the reason behind this. We drove a bit farther till a red light so everything seemed to be fine.

We stopped behind the car that was in front of us and exactly in front of the red light. Behind us there was a van. Then all of a sudden we felt that the van was pushing us forward and heard a loud bang. Our back windshield shattered into pieces and we ended up bumping into the other car in front of us, that one was hardly damaged.

My dad told me to call our alternative for 911, which I had often seen how to do in documentaries but I'd never had to do before. Thank God nobody was injured - the same can't be told about our car and the van though - so only a policeman came and made us do a lot of administrative work. Our damages will be paid but we had already had enough problems so of course we are not happy. I wonder what else can go wrong this month.

We were quite lucky after all, especially because we had our seat belts on and the car had exactly the right settings at that moment, but as always I started thinking what the message of this situation could be for me. The back of the car was damaged very badly, which is often associated with problems with letting go of the past. I'm aware that this is causing me difficulty but I've been trying to fix that for years using different methods.

People always say I should simply let go of what happened in the past and notice that I have plenty of new opportunities. That's easy to say but how if I never get any proof of this? God, you have never really allowed me to feel confident in a dating situation knowing that whatever happens I'll feel your help and support. Instead of that the opposite keeps happening and whatever I touch goes wrong. How could I believe you then? Things simply never seem to be going in the right direction, so is is really my fault that I'm skeptical after all this?

Well, at least my life has been spared. Some other people die or get seriously injured in similar accidents every day, while I'm already at home with my family. I can't say I'm not grateful.

Speaking of them, I always realize again and again that I have no patience for them at all so I definitely want to stay childfree. Which is probably one of the reasons why I'm not a good girlfriend/wife material. Most guys seem to be crazily keen on the idea of having a family. So if this is really what I need to change, that's gonna be very difficult.