Amber's ramblings
Ad 2:
2023-02-19 20:55:29 (UTC)


I am feeling ok today. Not so down. I went over to check on the parents earlier. I was worried about them when I left last night. Still worried now but I'm sure they will be ok.

When I went back to get my meds I spent an hour chatting to surrogate mum. Not about anything in particular just chat. It was so good. Lots of laughs. I could have stayed talking to her all night. I never know how long to stay when I go over. I feel like I stay too long and they want me to leave but are too nice to tell me to go. I hope they don't feel like that.

He's still alive. He messaged me late last night. Just asking how I am and what I've been doing. We sent a few messages but I fell asleep before saying goodnight. I couldn't keep my eyes open. So I was asleep by midnight and I was out of bed again at 2.30. Wide awake. I need to get a decent supply of sleeping pills when I see the doctor on Thursday. Not going to let her fob me off with just 2 this time.

I wonder if I'll hear from him tonight. I hope I do. I miss him so much. I can't believe it still hurts this much. When will I start to feel better? We should be together I don't know how he can tell me he loves me but doesn't want to commit. He's so confusing. Just when I think I'm getting over it and starting to heal he messages me and I'm falling for him all over again. I know I'm vulnerable at the moment and he's probably taking advantage of that. But I love him. So much. I thought he was the one. He was my soulmate and it feels like part of me is missing. I talked to him about everything. There was no subject off limits. I had no secrets from him. I told him everything and he supported me through the bad times. I thought he would always be there but just like everyone else he decided to leave. And I have to get used to that.

For the first time in my life I have a relationship with a mother. I feel like I can talk to her about everything. She knows a lot about me I've even given her my poetry and I hate people reading it. I have no confidence in them. I can count on one hand the people I have let read them. He read them. And back in 2011 I let my support worker read them. But that's it. I don't let people read them. I know I was in a dark place when I wrote them. And people wouldn't understand. Anyway I hope she likes them.