Love, life and loss
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2023-02-19 19:49:24 (UTC)


My beautiful baby girl
You should be 6 days old today
We should be looking forward to you being a week old tomorrow
I should know what your beautiful face looks like
I should know what you smell like

Monday was the hardest day of my life so far
Harder than losing both my girls together
Waking up to tablets in my hand not knowing whether I'd taken any or not
My head telling me to just take the rest of the box
To see my girls again
The only thing stopped me was being sick
My head wasnt in a good place
A dangerous place
With all my experiences put together I've had thoughts of ending my life before but I've never acted on it
I felt so scared
And it's like my head wasnt mine
I made myself go to work on Tuesday to fight for someone elses child when I cant have my own
I struggled
But I needed to go and I'm glad I did
I only managed 20 minutes of counselling before she started the talk of needing to seek assistance if she was worried about me blah blah blah so I left in tears
I'm paying for her to help me
Not to threaten me with going elsewhere
She can forget it

Work has carried on
I've managed ok
Yesterday seemed to be ok propping up a friend who needed support
Today on the other hand has been horrific
Tried to support laura best I can
Whilst being so fucking heartbroken myself
Spent time with my girls at their gardens
Put them matching pink roses on with matching baby girl teddies
Brought them a candle with their initials on and lit them as it got dark

I sat and talked to them through tears and a broken heart
I kept falling asleep on sofa yesterday so had 2 hours sleep amongst working all day didnt sleep at all last night
So today I was tired
Tried to work from.the car in Bedford
Then went back to the girls
Fell asleep by their graves in the dark with my head on my hands
Got woken up when someone approached me and woke me and told me my girls arnt there and I should go home and light candles at home and not sit out in the dark or sleep in the dark
I think they meant it nicely and supportive but who are they to tell me what to do
My friends dont have a problem with me doing it so why do strangers

Today I feel like I've taken 20 steps back
My head feels fuzzy
The sleep by their graves was most peaceful sleep I've had in months
I've cried all day
My heart feels heavy
I want what I can't have
I miss my baby girls
I miss my precious Erin
My darling daughter
I miss my Isla too

I feel so alone today
I wanted to reach out to someone but I don't know who
Lots of people offer and lots of people care
But its hard to know where to turn
Knowing that they might get my message and be busy but feel like they have to reply to me and support me
I don't want to make anyone feel like that
So I keep quiet
But reality is i dont need to talk
Just need to know I have people who love me and care
Friends who call me sweetheart, lovely, darling, the names that no ones called me since I was in foster care with Karen back in 2010. Those names mean the absolute world to me now. Not that anyone but karen know that. I dont say how much they mean because then when people use them I know they mean it and not just saying it because they know it means a lot to me
Not many people care that much though
Like my family
Where I have to sit in silence but provide for a family of 4 here and a family of 4 next door and where I have to manage the entire house and when they find out I've sat with the girls get called a selfish bitch when I should be doing stuff at home not feeling sorry for myself when my girls are dead

They are right. My girls are dead
And I am struggling tonight

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