barefoot & barely lifelike
2023-02-18 21:08:49 (UTC)

we're all doomed

the show was great, and thank britney for that - the interactive introverts tour i went to see years ago was such a disappointment; too scripted and clearly targeted at a younger audience, for me it just felt like a waste of time and money. but this one! it was all dan, a hundred percent, and i absolutely loved it. it was more mature, very funny, very twisted. just a few hours of dark, cynical comedy, with a splash of touching storytelling and hopefulness in the end. the latter felt a bit like toxic positivity to me though, which i think is rather telling on how i'm not doing that great rn. i mean if dan howell of all people makes me go "eww, now that's a tad too sappy" i really need to get myself some help. it feels like i've been more and more tired every passing hour. even thinking about writing has been exhausting, and same goes with trying to reply to texts and dms. it's all just toooo much - and by 'all of it' i mean this thing called life, lol. i finally slept on the night between thursday and friday, after not having slept for three nights in a row before that. i had planned making a brief visit to paja before my bus to h left, but i couldn't be bothered to get out of bed in time, i was so glad i slept, haha! i took an earlier bus to the station and picked up some nuggets before the bus left, because i didn't have any food at home. the bus driver was such a sweetheart, and he had the cutest accent, the bus was half empty so the journey was rather enjoyable. mia met me at the metro platform and we went to her place - it was nowhere near as bad as she always says it is. i mean it was kind of a mess, stuff piled up everywhere and one could barely get in, but there was no visible dirt anywhere, nothing i'd really find disgusting. just a lot of stuff, that i can easily deal with. i hope she got a positive experience out of my visit and me not shaming her for her apartment! she did message me afterwards that she had cleaned up a desktop, so. fingers crossed. we left in a hell of a hurry, because she needed to shower and that takes her ... well, a tiny eternity. she left with mascara all over her face and her hair wet. made me feel right at home, lmao. that's the family way of leaving the house for me. we took a bus to the house of culture and were there right on time for mia to get our jackets in and for me to que up for the merch sale; i bought a tote bag. it was expensive and i couldn't afford it, but hey, i got one anyway and it makes me happy, so that's that, end of story. our seats weren't great but we saw the show and that's what's important. i wish i could have a videotape of the show; there were some things i missed because i couldn't see the screen properly and because everyone else around me was screaming a lot. i hate that. i hope there was a way for the performer to feel like the audience is participating & loving what they do without the audience having to make a sound... that'd be perfect. either way, i love dan.

i wish i remembered the show better, but i guess i dissociated a bit during the whole thing, as per usual. i'm pretty sure he's said somewhere what there'll be a dvd or some kinda recording of the show though, so i'm waiting for that to be released - and hoping it won't be too expensive. perhaps he could get a streaming deal for it? that'd be great. anyway. i'm kinda sad i didn't get the t-shirt too, but i mean. a bitch's gotta eat. also two of my former camp councelors were there and messaged me on ig about it, that was cool. ok, the first one was cool, cause i love her and she was very excited about us both being there, the second one was a bit cringey cause i posted a dumb picture of me and mia and apparently we took that dumb picture right in front of this girl, lmao. she wasn't sure if it was me and i didn't recognize her at all - oops. i wasn't even following her on ig anymore, i hope she hasn't noticed that, yikes. after the show we stopped at the store on our way back to mia's, had a few things to eat, visited the laundry room that was located in the building next to hers in a motherfucking snow storm, and then we just talked until around 3:30 i finally felt sleepy and went to bed. i have no idea at which point mia got to bed but i'm happy i fell asleep pretty quickly. i tried getting up (fairly) early cause i planned on taking a shower before going to see m2, but i mean. that didn't happen. and well enough, as she wasn't up until noon either. in the end we met up at a vegan donut shop at the central station, around 1:30pm. we stayed there for hours, just talking and talking and talking; it's always so easy talking to her, about pretty much anything. i also drank an absolutely ridiculous amount of coffee during those hours... i went for the 'unlimited filter coffee'. t's 30th birthday party started at 5/6 in t, but at some point i decided to just go for a quick visit later in the evening, and ended up going for a bus that left at 5:20 (because m2 had to go home too, to walk the doggo). well, in the bus there was a woman sat behind me who, first of all, smelled like cigarettes and something disgustingly sweet, and after a while decided to spray herself with half a bottle of a poison of some sort - it would be insulting to call whateverthatshitwas a perfume, ughff. i immediately felt nauseous and spent the entire trip wanting to throw up, my face buried in a scarf. ended up with a nasty migraine, skipped the bday party and just came home. the bus from the station was full, smelled disgusting, and was late due to the before-mentioned mf'ing snow storm. not a pleasant day, to say the least. i'm not too bummed about having to have skipped t's party though; i'm sure most of the people there would've been strangers to me, or people i haven't seen in ages, so. it would not have been the most comfortable situation for me anyway. though nowadays it's rare that an opportunity to meet new people presents itself, and i think i might've actually enjoyed it, buuut. whatcha gonna do.

tomorrow i've made plans with s, but idk if i have it in me - plus i should figure out a way to get w back from my mum's at some point. when i last saw s we talked about her coming to visit me for our next meeting, but uhmm... i still haven't cleaned up this hellhole, and a part of the point of that plan was that she'd see w that way, and now w's not even here, so. i could suggest meeting at a coffee place but tbh i can't really afford any of that anymore in this month, or the next either for that matter, so maybe i'll ask if i could just visit their place again. all i gotta do is choose clothes that i don't mind their dog ripping apart, eh. well, i'll message her when i wake up. on monday i'm supposed to go to the paja, but i'm not sure if i wanna do it after what they pulled on friday. the j & m drama escalated even further when the employees made them sit down and talk to each other and m went cuckoo - that is, even more so than before. i don't feel comfortable with the way they've handled the situation, or *not* handled it. if one person's harrassing another person, it should be clear what they need to do about it. they should've just told the guy to either quit harrassing people or coming to the paja over all, and that's it. but noooo, no. m is symphatizing with the guy "because he's just a bit shy" and yada yada - let me tell you, the guy's a complete weirdo, a super creepy stalker maniac. i'm super pissed they're not treating any of us as adults, like they're trying to force us to befriend the creeper just because he "feels left out"... out of what, for fuck's sake? it's all completely ridiculous and me and ju are planning on taking care of it - as in giving m & s a piece of our minds asap. it sucks that next week's a gap week, so... idk when we'll be able to have those discussions. ughhh i hate drama, and i hate that i had just started feeling comfortable in there, and now there's this. like there's no way i'm just gonna keep visiting if that's how the employees handle someone sneaking pictures, spamming, stalking and otherwise harrassing another person, especially when that person does nothing but ignores the harrasser. there's no way that's a "tricky situation" in which one must "find a common ground", duh. it's disgusting. i'm dissappointed in m, and s, but more so in m. they handled the death-treat-creeper so well!? i don't understand it.

anyway, i'm tired. i'm gonna go to bed, hoping to get at least some sleep.