Amber's ramblings
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2023-02-18 21:07:39 (UTC)


I need to stop being on this downer. People will soon get annoyed with me. I'm trying to put on a happy face when I'm around surrogate parents. But they can see right through it. I was worried about surrogate dad. He was I'll and it was scary to see him like that. I hope he's ok I am worried. I'll check on them tomorrow.

I'm still pretty much up and down. The ups are getting longer but the downs are still pretty bad. I hate the downs. All I wanna do is just lock the door and hide when I feel like that. I want to shut the world out and hide under the duvet. I want to ignore everything and everyone. Not because of them but because I don't want to keep bringing them down. They don't need my negativity. I'm trying to keep hold of the ups. But right now I can't hide the downs. I've tried to smile through it. It works with some people but not everyone. So maybe I should just avoid those people when I'm at the bottom. Maybe that's what I need to do until I get through this. I love surrogate mum and dad. But I'm not their responsibility. I can't keep putting this on them. They've got their own kids and problems to deal with. They don't need my crap.

It's been 3 days since I last heard from him. If he wanted to push me away he's doing a great job of it. I wonder what his excuse is this time. I don't care. I can't stop loving him overnight. How do you unlove someone. He was the best part of me. He was the one I went to but he was also the one who drove me insane. I have to get over him but how? I felt so safe when I was with him. Nothing could have hurt me when I was in his arms. I don't think I will ever feel that safe again. I lost that the day he walked out of my life.

It's in the quiet moments that I miss him the most. If something has happened to him I'd never know. Maybe he's been in an accident. He's probably in hospital and can't get a message to me. I'm really worried about him. Why isn't he contacting me? No wonder I'm not sleeping. He is always on my mind all the time. I can't stop thinking about the times we had. The good and the bad. We've had our ups and downs but we always got through them before. I know this time it's different. But I want him back. It never should have ended the way it did. I know it was my fault. He blames me as well. I know I wasn't good enough for him. There were things he wanted that I couldn't give him. And there were things I needed that he couldn't provide. I was asking too much of him. I just wanted a sign that we were meant to be together. And all I got was proof that we shouldn't be together.

When people ask me how I am I say fine. Fucked up. Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional.

I really shouldn't be here. Every morning I wake up disappointed that I didn't die in the night. It's not that I'm suicidal I just don't want to live anymore. It's probably best that surrogate mum has all my medication.