colabear

from sadness to anger

It's interesting when you return to a familiar environment. You observe your surroundings in different light and you discover new aspects to them.

I think that's what happened to me on the first day of school. I was exposed to all these people and sounds and could see them in different light. My mind was constantly alert, trying to take in the information about my environment.

I ended up finding aspects I didn't like and parts which weren't as overwhelming as I thought. I wish I could observe like that everyday. I wish I could find out something new about this place everyday.

In the first Chinese class, my teacher suggested us to think about how the pandemic has effected us. Thinking about this question, I feel my mind go blank. The past year or two feels blury like I fell into a deep dream and just awoke. I can't remember or differenitate the days. At school, there are interesting or funny things which happen. But in online classes, it's the same monotonic voice speaking to you through the screen. And apart from occasional questions I couldn't answer, nothing was particularly memorable.

I guess the only things I can think of are the little freedoms I have. After class, I no longer need to go get tested. I can go the library every lunch instead of only three days of the week and I appreciate that a lot. There is now this section of my life where I can control and do whatever I want.

The library is a sanctury because it's quieter than anywhere else. In the classroom, I have to endure loud boys, expressing toxic opinions, and the people who keep walking into the room and leaving.

I like controlling my time. I like deciding how I'll spend it and not have to stay in a classroom till a certain time because someone will come running after me if I don't go to class.

In the library, I can listen to music and actually be able to hear it because of how quiet it is. I can write stories and journal without people screaming around me. And that's important to me and changes the way I live. It allows me to relax and dive into the realms of the world which truly matter to me instead of constantly being distracted and controlled by others.

Maybe this is why I didn't like the person who touched me on the bus. She yelled for us to be awake though it was no where near my stop. I was awake and looking out the window but she had to press her fingers into my arm. I've never had someone do this to me during my precious bus rides. No one ever disturbed me and she irked me so much for doing it. Another thing she did which irked me was when she called me before the time I was supposed to be at the stop. She has no idea what THE phone call means. The phone call means I am late and going to get my ass kicked so i was freaking out and running to the place. And then it turns out she just didn't want to stand in the cold so she called me which completely irritated me. There was completely no good reason for her to do what she did and it really upset me. She even told me to not forget my bag once. It was just so necessary and just treating us like this is the first time we have rode the school bus.

My father told me to "good luck" for no reason. I had my math homework in front of me and I was looking at my phone. Then he asked me what this packet is and afterwards he said "good luck" which also can mean "work hard" in Chinese. It's like he's being passive aggressive about me looking at my phone. I don't understand why he had to say that. It makes me feel very uncomfortable and bad about myself. I think it's because he has no idea what my life is like. He doesn't understand how much pain and anxiety I go through everyday. And the only thing he has to say to me is to tell me to work harder.