Point Blank

Off Topic

I think it's safe to say that I legitimately hate my life. Not in like a 'it's more comfortable to accept my shortcomings' pessimism. More like... ill exhaust all that I am for a fantasy version of myself to exist rightfully somewhere... saving me along with everyone else. Not even stealing a victory that belonged to anybody.

My heart feels like it's failing. I've screamed a million times from the gut to get the demons out, but they stay. I chain smoke because me AND my fantasy are both failing. And the echos of my redemption, bouncing off such home(y) prison walls... invisible. A phenomenon I couldn't ever debunk (or prove) no matter how hard i try. I wonder if I once ignored those words for mercy's sake or if pity is a greater gain.

Part of me thought "oh that's fine, as long as someone shows up at my death bed", if even just as relieved as I that its finally over. It's hilarious how that doesn't matter anymore. Even funnier how something can be such an antidote through times of hardship and yet equal nothing in the end. So few times I talked myself out of depression, justifyingly couldnt defeat all the times I allowed it to consume me. I guess heros can be villians too... coinciding. My dream of reaching out, forever tainted once becoming someone else's nightmare.

I'd probably never even be the me I am without my conditioning. There was never a time the conditioning wasn't there. I couldn't possibly test the theory. EVERYTHING IVE LEARNED ABOUT IDENTITY AND NONE OF IT MATTERED!! THRIVING IS THE ONLY
PRAISEWORTHY GOAL IN EXISTENCE!!! BECOME A DIAMOND IN THE PRESSURE, MY SOUL BEGGED!! It hurts more to realize that the only proof of my identity is everything I could have done but didn't! I guess for me identity somehow had more appeal than success! Idk! Or perhaps, I'd have never succeeded any other way without it and this is victory!! As if all this time identity could under no circumstance coexist with success! For once I asked a question not worth answering, and doing so meant living the horror of it to wonder! What about this reality would ever matter enough to weigh down such a necessary dream?!
YET. STILL.
THIS.DREAM.MEANS.NOTHINGGG!