AmberG

17/02

I don't know what to say today. I feel so lost. I know I'm not alone though. Despite the voices in my head. When things are dark I need to remember I have people I can go to. People I can trust. People who love me and genuinely care. But I'm so scared. It's like I don't know how to deal with it. They said they would never abandon me. But it so hard to believe. Because everyone who has ever said that to me have left. She tells me to stop thinking like that and I try because in my heart I know she's different. They both are. I love them both they are showing me what parents should be like. They are showing me you can have a relationship without the fear of abusive behaviour. I fully trust them and I would do anything for them. If anyone ever hurts them I would do prison time for them. Surrogate dad gave me a teddy tonight. I love it. Need to think of a name for him. Lol yes I name my teddies. I name everything

Still not heard anything from him. I honestly don't know how to feel. One minute he's telling me he never stopped loving me and that we haven't broken up. The next he's ignoring me for days. He has no idea what this is doing to me. But the sad thing is he knows exactly what it's doing to me. I've told him so many times before. How can I trust him. He can't have it both ways. He either wants to be with me or he doesn't. He knows exactly what to say to get me back. And if he said it I would go back to him on a heartbeat. But he's never gonna say those words. And I can't wait around forever hoping on a maybe. He is the love of my life. He's my everything. I can't do this without him we planned so much together. I can't get him out of my head. I've tried not to think about him but he's always on my mind. I don't know where I stand with him and it's driving me insane. If he really loves me he wouldn't do this. I don't want to be here anymore. I thought about putting my head in the oven but there's a safety feature on there to stop that from happening. Does that even work. Can you actually kill yourself that way. I can't drown myself in the bath. Because I only have a shower. There are many times I have thought about driving my car into a wall or an on coming lorry. I wouldn't do it to a lorry I'd never put that on the driver. But a wall or off a cliff. I've usually got someone in the car with me so it's not an option then. I'm trying to be strong and I've started hiding how I'm feeling again. I'm trying not to be a burden to them. I've got to stop doing that. If they don't know how I feel they won't know what help I need.

I have to go to the council on Monday. Luckily I won't be alone. I'm so grateful they will be there. I don't have to cope with everything on my own anymore. If I need a parent's advice I can always go to them. Which is what I did with the letter from the council. It's really scared me because I don't know what I'm doing. I've never had to deal with this before.