Life of secrets
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2023-02-17 13:38:39 (UTC)


This is going to sound SO ridiculous because how can you compare the two… but since getting Frank the hamster, it’s really made me question having kids. Firstly, I now know I’d be an anxious wreck with a child. Frank did a funny coloured wee the other day and I’ve been stressing over it ever since. Of course, the hamster forums and google didn’t help with that either but I pretty much killed him off in my head. My anxiety went through the roof and I was terrified that he had liver issues or a UTI. But I was also terrified of taking him to the vet because I can’t stand seeing him distraught.

In the end I decided to wait and see how he goes. He seems totally fine and I’ve not seen this kind of wee since. So perhaps it was just a one off. Hopefully.

Now imagine if this was my child. Oh boy.

And this isn’t the first time I’ve thought something was wrong with him. Imagine how many times I’d be stressing over a baby…. This one little creature has really got me thinking.

The reiki has also dampened my desire for a child. This cycle is my last medicated and in a way I cannot wait to stop trying. I told myself if it doesn’t happen after my last medicated cycle then I’d stop bothering with it all until June. I’d like to experience life again without it all being about when I’m ovulating and if I’m pregnant.

Last night we went to a shop to look for washing machines, and we got chatting to a man who worked there. Somehow we got onto the subject of buying a house and he told us about his two-year-old daughter. He told us that him and his wife were trying for a baby for seven years and then when they stopped, she fell pregnant with his daughter. Obviously this guy doesn’t know us so he wasn’t to know my situation, but it kind of felt like the universe brought us all together in that moment.

He spoke so highly of having children which was great and made me realise that the majority of people in my religion do not speak highly of having kids and it doesn’t help.

So this man was saying how great it is to have children and then he turned to my husband and said “you’ve got all of this to come” and my husband, to my surprise, turned to me, and smiled, and said “maybe at some point”. I was in shock since his reaction is usually negative and I’ve learned to switch off. But I’ve never seen him react this way before.

He’s been receiving distant Reiki and the Reiki healer has been working on his fear of being a father - I think I’m seeing a difference.

Either way, as I said I’m not hugely desperate for a child anymore… maybe I’m just so tired of the situation that I just need a break from it all. Maybe this tiny little creature has helped me to realise the realities of having kids.

Or maybe it’s just a little bit of everything.