Amber's ramblings
2023-02-16 22:45:23 (UTC)

16/02 PT 2

Such a tiering day. After being awake all night the day has really dragged. I can't wait to go to bed. I will be going soon. Just waiting to see if he messages me before I go.

Had a bit of a breakdown earlier. I thought I was ok but obviously I wasn't. Surrogate mum came walking past and knew I wasn't right. I'm trying to be strong but it's so hard at the moment. I'm trying to push the horrible thoughts away but that's what I've been doing all my life and look where I've ended up. I'm an emotional wreck right now. I knew this would happen day. I'm just glad it happened now while I've got family to help me through. As I was leaving tonight surrogate dad gave me a hug and told me he wanted to do it before he just didn't know how I would react. He knows now. They call me daughter and I love it. I've found a family now. Surrogate mum said she loves me. Of course I said it back. It felt weird the only person I've ever felt love for/from was him. And now I have a mother saying it to me. I need to believe she means it. But the voices won't let me. I know they are wrong because she told me they were. So yes I believe her she is a lovely person but I don't think she'd say that to everyone.

There is someone here who has been off with me all day. I haven't seen him for a few days so sent him a message to see if he was ok. There was just something about the way he replied. I think he's trying to avoid me. Again it could just be me. I overthink. I get overwhelmed with emotion and I don't know what to believe. Is he avoiding me. What did I do. We talked the other night and it was nice now he's avoiding me. I know he's busy but I've tried not to bother him. Now I'm wondering if I should have checked in sooner. Maybe that's why he's mad at me. Maybe I told him too much I should have kept my mouth shut.

I don't think he is going to message me tonight. I've given up caring. If he messages he messages if not I'm not bothered anymore. He's not really trying to get back with me and the more he ignores me the more I'm getting used to being alone.