Colors of My Life
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First day back to school
Learning about my anxiety helped. But there's still too much stimulus from the teachers and from the people around me.
I feel calmer because I know no one cares that much about me. But socializing especially with adults is very hard. I think I'm being hard on myself regarding that aspect. I think I can't talk to adults but I'm doing it every day and I'm doing well. It's just that I feel anxious around this one teacher. I want to get her approval but she doesn't really seem to appreciate me? Or I'm just insecure about myself. She is very warm to other students who she likes talking to but she doesn't seem to like talking to me a lot and that makes me feel very bad about myself. Her conversations with me are serious but when she talks to other people she is more carefree. I think it's her problem though. She shouldn't treat people differently.
I know why this school sucks. It's because the people who are in charge have twisted worldviews. I heard one of the directors say how yelling at students make them grow. I don't even know what to say after that. What my homeroom teacher says is also twisted. I want to receive her approval so much but I don't agree with her on so many things and I don't like how I need to be under her influence all the time. I wish I had it easier.
Studying is fun and interesting. But the teachers treat us like we just started going to school. The opening ceremony is when they repeat again and again how we need to achieve success and trying to force their view of life on us. I would honestly do much better without all the stress they force onto us. My homeroom teacher caused my mental breakdown when I was motivated and doing perfectly fine on my own. I'm not sure why they need to repeat these things again and again. It's as if mental health is nonexistent in this world where they stack layers and layers on top of you.