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Wow insomnia is really kicking my arse tonight. And I can't even take a sleeping pill because I don't have them here. My surrogate mum has all my pills. I didn't think when I went to get them last night that I might need one. I brought an anti anxiety just in case. But sleeping pills never crossed my mind. I will collect one later when I go over for my medication.
My PTSD was playing up. Why do I keep getting these flashbacks? Is it because I should be talking about it? Yet more that I've kept bottled up. It's all fizzing over now.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm so lost and confused. I've got home saying he never walked out on me. He just doesn't know how to move on from here. But it really is over. It has to be. My mum and dad wouldn't be happy if went back to him. And nothing is ever going to change. But I'm giving up on dating it's just not worth the hassle. I can't believe it's come to this but I knew it would. To be honest I'm m surprised it lasted as long as it did. With all the secrets and lies. Something had to give. In a way I'm glad it happened because I've found out who my family are. And it made me open up to someone it gave me the courage to talk. I have been holding on to this for so long but there's still so much left to say. But I don't know how to bring it up. I've never been good at asking for help. I have been let down so badly by friends, family. Professionals. People who said they would always be there for me. Where are they now? I hope she means what she says. I hope I never get to the point where she dreads me going over. I don't want to dump all this crap on her but right now she is the only one I can open up to. D said I should keep talking and get everything out. And he's right. After the chat I had with her on Tuesday I felt much better after. Just leaves me to wonder how to bring it up.