AmberG

15/02

I'm feeling a lot better today. I'm going to be up and down for a while but I feel really good now. I wrote my surrogate mum a poem today. She loved it. Need to get it printed off for her.
They both told me I'd be in so much trouble with them if I even think about getting back with him. They're right. But I can't just unlove someone. He was my world my everything my reason for living. I still love him so much. He told me we'd get married one day. But he couldn't commit right now. No he didn't want to. If he loved me as much as he said he did he would have done anything to be with me.

Anyway it doesn't help when he tells me he still loves me. I can't go through it again. Something has to change. He either wants to be with me or he doesn't. It's that simple and he made his choice. I almost wish I had sent that message. At least I know where I stand now. I need to move on.

It also appears that I've lost my cat Bert. About 10 days ago he wandered into my surrogates van and made himself at home. 2 days later he stayed there overnight. He is so happy there and it's his choice he loves them and they love him. He's so settled there now he follows them wherever they go. I can't make him stay with me. And if it was anyone else I wouldn't let them adopt him. But he gets so spoiled there. Doesn't want to know me anymore the little traitor. So I'm making an appointment in march for the vet. General health check and see about booking him in to be shaved. I adopted him in October and he's in a horrible condition full of matts he's long fir. I can't get them out because they are too close to his skin. And I think that's why he's grumpy. It can't be comfortable for him. So yeah I'm taking him to the vets with them and get ownership transferred over to them. They are so happy about it. So it's just me and Penny again now. And she loves being alone.

I don't like being alone. It gives me too much time to think.

I talked to another neighbour tonight. We've talked a few times he was the one who gave me the sleeping pills. Anyway he messaged me out the blue to see how the tablets were working. I told him I'm going through some stuff and we got chatting. We've arranged to meet up when it's not so cold out and have a proper chat. He's worked for mental health charities in the past and he's got mental health issues himself. So I told him my surrogate mum has been my rock. And I finally opened up to someone after keeping it all bottled up for all these years. It was a relief to let everything out. He told me to keep talking about it. And I will heal. I think he's right.