Life of secrets
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2023-02-15 20:24:20 (UTC)


I’m struggling terribly with anxiety right now. All linked to my religion. You might then say, just leave the religion if it’s causing you so much distress… but even if I left, it would still cause me anxiety.

I keep trying to self soothe. I have certain programmes on in the background, like Friends. I watch the same episodes over and over. And I sit looking at TikTok, scrolling for hours. Although TikTok just feeds my anxiety at times too. But it also keeps my mind distracted. I use my pendulum at times also but this is wrong in my religion. I don’t know how to walk away from a lot of things…. I don’t actually know what to do anymore. Life seems pointless and I have this feeling of impending doom every day.

I look forward to going to sleep every night. And I look forward to waking up in the morning for my coffee. Nothing is good after that, until I go back to sleep and do it again.

The earthquakes in Turkey and Syria have triggered my anxiety. The Bible says these things will happen and I’m panicking because I am not ready. For any of this. I sit and look at Frank the hamster and kind of wish I never got him because I feel terrible that he’s totally none the wiser, he has no idea what life really is and what if the end of this world comes when he’s still alive ? How can I protect him? I can’t.

I don’t have hope anymore. What am I hoping for ? I know I will die. And that’s it. I’m just waiting to die…