I am still in Texas. I didn’t hear from Carrie until about 8:30 PM last night. This after not talking to her since 7:40 the previous evening via text. No call Monday. No text. No “Do you want to do The Bible In A Year?” No nothing. When I finally did get a message from her, I mentioned that I hoped she was ok, but I didn’t want to reach out in case she wanted her space. She didn’t say anything to that…. Just said that she’d been praying and two of her children called and that kept her busy. Well, it never kept her so busy before that she couldn’t say good morning.
Still, what did I expect?
Now, she wants to talk to her priest about what I told her. She said she will try not to betray my confidence, but that she felt this was beyond her. I admit to being insulted. I told her it was fine, because to tell her no, well, it would look like I’ve something to hide, which I haven’t, and if that’s what she needs to be at peace, then I want that for her.
I also told her that if she felt like she couldn’t deal with it, I understood and I would accept it and love her, as a friend or family, not romantically, from a distance. As hard as it may be, I am not going to contact her. I am going to wait until she contacts me and answer. I sent her some messages, one a letter I wrote her, to which I have not received a response.
She suggested I do something, and I did it. She suggested that maybe she wasn’t the person to help me with one of the issues we were discussing that I did not mention in the entry about this, because of Satan trying to attack her and her family since she was a little kid. I know some of my actions, not all, but some, were motivated by mental illness. She understands that, but also says that Satan can use that mental illness. I told her that maybe she was right. That I want her help, but I was selfish when I asked, knowing what she’s been through, but I also admitted that I wasn’t thinking about that when I asked. No response yet.
So, I’m feeling pretty desolate…
A couple of weeks ago, (entry Where do I fit?), she told me that she was going to talk to her priest about giving her life more to God and spending more time in religious contemplation…. Giving up books, music, TV, documentaries, etc, and praying/studying all day. I could not live such a life. I think now, that she was saying that as a way to let me down easy…. If she were doing that, we wouldn’t be talking much if at all, because by the nature of that existence she would need to drop most of her friends, and this way she would never have to tell me what she knew or suspected.
Other than that, there is nothing new to report here…. Desolate is a good word for the day. It’s raining outside.