The lonely codependent

I want to be wasted because my time is wasted

I've been kinda ok so far. At least I was till I had to delete one of the apps from my phone that I hadn't used much anyway so it suddenly reminded me of what day it is. Thank you, I know, I know. That's why I haven't eaten all day.

Other than that I'm fine, I'll drink another beer and hopefully will feel calm again. So don't worry.

As I can't even do many tasks related to my work at the moment I've been trying to describe my feelings in great detail be able to share them with my therapist to try to spend this very passive time in a useful way. I did make a long list of them 1-2 days ago, how this day makes me feel.

Today I'm drinking for:
-The lack of opportunity
-No progress in life
-Being sabotaged whatever I try to do
-Being single forever
-Wasting my time
-Wasting my femininity
-Wasting my youth
-The fact that all the guys I've met so far were assholes
-Feeling ashamed because everybody expects me to find the one, including MYSELF, who is putting the biggest pressure on me
-That I had to hide and run away from my own feelings for the past 3 weeks and I'll probably have to keep doing this for the upcoming years too.
-For the non-existent promise of a future - just like from my exes.
-Always being seen as a victim rather than an equal partner
-Gender role expectations which I'll never meet
-The fact that God never wants to support my love life
-All the dates I've had that helped British scientists confirm Murphy's law and observe it in action
-The world being unfair
-Rotting alone
-Never having had deep connections
-Having to wait a lot for a huge amount of nothing
-The lack of the new experiences I'm looking for
-The few guys I still think about although I've had tons of crushes!

I just hope everybody else enjoys the rest of the day.