Colors of My Life
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2023-02-13 10:26:21 (UTC)

my addiction

teachers and parents are always telling us to stop doing something. stop playing games. stop looking at your phone. they made us watch videos about nomophobia.

their lectures just show how disconnected students and teachers are. students tell (or in the teacher's words complain) the teachers there's too much homework. and their response is to tell us to stop using our cell phones so much. talking to teachers is like talking into a void because they'll never listen to us. the true reason for the problem is never tackled. students identify a problem in the system and communicate it. but the teachers only find fault in the students. hence, the only thing we see are posters saying don't check your phone between classes, something like that.

i'm not sure why i started talking about the above because i wanted to talk about my addiction. i'm not sure when i started looking at my phone before bed but i imagine it must've been something like this. I finished the day's homework and I realized there was no time to do anything else. exhausted, i lay on my bed and scroll through my phone. dopamine rushes through me—the whole day i've been unable to control my life and finally, in the few moments before bed, I could. so, the next day, i continue the cycle. and now, i've grown this habit of looking at my phone before bed. it's not great. I've often found something interesting and stayed up till very late hours looking at my phone. often in the dark as well. midnights became the symbol for relaxation which is why i stayed up late during the holidays though i didn't need to. i've never realized how bad it got until a recent conversation with my friend.

everything feels so quick. i remember when i first finished my exams and was talking to a friend at midnight. i feels like yesterday. but it isn't.

it's true school triggers my anxiety. i had panic attacks in eighth grade when the teacher told me to complete a question on the board. thank god my current teachers don't do that much. i'm not sure why teachers think it's a good idea to force a student to do such a thing. i've grown to hate myself over the years. whether it's academics or social, there wasn't a place where I felt at ease. i did feel ease at some periods of my life. but now the people who made me feel better left and i'm back at ground zero, fending myself like i've never before.

I wish i knew it was just anxiety. but for the most part I blamed myself. i blamed myself for making simple math mistakes in front of the whole class. i blamed myself for not being able to talk to teachers like my classmates. i blamed myself for not being able to make friends. there were so many ways I developed hatred for myself.

but of course, who cares about mental health? who cares if asking the girl to do the question on the board makes her have a panic attack? who cares if doing a speech makes me feel like the worse person that's ever lived? there was one friend who i actively talked to about my anxiety. she left pretty early in my life though. everyone around me seems to be find as far as I can tell. especially those extroverted ones. i constantly envy their ability to shout out answers or do things in front of everyone else.

i was always the shy one. the one who was hard to talk to. the one no one liked talking to. or so i thought. i constantly tried to look less serious because i thought my face scared people off. or else why did not one talk to me?

there was a teacher i really admired in 8th grade. i really wanted to talk to him but i couldn't bring myself to. there's a girl in my grade who talks with all the teachers and has great conversations with them. i felt so jealous of her. I felt like i was such a bad person. I hated myself because i couldn't talk to the teacher.

and don't get me started about my crushes. i hated myself even more for these occasions. I could barely talk to them. and everytime they got near me, i would just shut down because i was so anxious. i couldn't be myself around them ever. and no one ever understood that.

it's funny because i've never thought about it this way. i've always thought of my middle school relationships as something i should be ashamed of. to consider as incidents unworthy to mention.

i had a mental breakdown once and i couldn't stop myself crying in class. no one said anything though. i felt awful like no one cared about me. they probably cared though but they didn't know how to talk about it with me.

something else parents like to say is to be confident. it's so funny. there was never a place for the shy people. being shy was always the characteristic you disliked and should get rid of. i'm not sure why people hate the shyness trait when so many people are shy.

i tried to be confident during speeches so i tried to ignore my emotions and act like i know what i'm doing. like i'm not insecure or shy or what ever.

leaders also need to be assertive. shyness was not welcomed in leadership.

i'm tired which is a good thing. my phone is turned off because i'm trying to not look at it before i go to bed. it seems to have worked.