Colors of My Life
2023-02-13 10:26:21 (UTC)

recording my anxiety

My teacher sent in the group chat asking for recommendations and I wanted to recommend something to her but I felt anxious. I was scared what I recommended would not be good enough. I was scared of what other people will think of me. I was scared I was going to trip and die. I almost didn't send it if someone didn't send something before me.

I think I know what friend I need. I need someone who will understand what I'm going through or simply tell me it's okay. I feel like I criticize myself too much sometimes. I think I know better now and I know I'm not alone. But when there are people next to me, telling me that it's going to be all right, it's quite helpful.

School is Wednesday. I feel anxious and disgusted toward the opening ceremony. There were times when I wondered if I was the problem to my depression but after reading the teacher's speeches I knew the school was the problem. They were always the problem.
I'll be visiting you a lot because school is awful. It also helps me create art though. I won't say that isn't unhelpful. Reading that transcript made me want to write a story immediately. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't write. There's nothing more important than it to me.

I started a blog. I keep doubting myself though. I wonder if what I'm doing actually helps anyone. I guess I shouldn't think about it that way. It's a personal project and I enjoy the process of writing very much. It gives me something to think about that isn't school. When I write I feel like the time just passes by without my noticing and I wish it didn't go by so fast because I still want to write very much.

I tell myself I need to review for math. But I don't actually sit down before the computer. Now I'm sitting down before the computer so there's that.

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