The lonely codependent

The guy I fell in love with twice

Insomnia sucks, especially because today I'll still be able to work. I'm not sure about tomorrow but today I definitely have to.

A lot of crazy things are on my mind as always, including one of my favorite guys from the past. That's no wonder because he basically triggered my codependency twice. However, I saw a photo of him a few weeks ago on the page of the organization where we met and felt absolutely nothing.

We were working on a project together that failed in the end although I was really trying my best and it was only a plus that this gave me a reason for me to try to spend more and more time with him. This also resulted in me being too hard on myself sometimes and blaming myself for things I was not as guilty for as I thought.

For this reason one day I said to myself this must come to an end. If he were feeling the same way the situation would be kinda straightforward but that doesn't seem to be the case so I should not have high expectations. At that time I was attending some online Codependency Anonymous meetings - I left that community because despite being a member I did not really seem ready to change from the outside. There people believe in a higher power, whom you can call God or whatever you believe in and people sometimes feel there are situations that they should leave up to him after giving up the need to try to control them themselves. I decided to do the same in this one and that worked. The guy and I continued working on the project but I didn't feel tempted...

...till one day I decided to take back control just a little bit because I wanted to see if anything has changed and he might like me by now. So I asked for a sign because I still didn't know if he was not gay and some basic things like that. Miraculously someone brought up this topic while we were hanging out with a group of people so I found out that he was not gay but he was single. Totally ideal situation, from here on things should be easy, shouldn't they?

Well, not really. I always try not to be too pushy because in general I am so I know I need to pay attention to drawing my boundaries. I tried to send him a few signals though but he seemed to be pulling away. I knew that wasn't a good sign so I found myself in the dilemma again that I often find myself in. Should I feel desperate and try even "magical" YouTube mantras to try to get him back (which by then I knew don't work the way people expect them to in 99% of the cases, maybe a bit later I'll explain why in a new entry) or simply getting a move on (which activates my fear that I may never get what I want).

I tried the former hoping I'd be able to continue with the project, which would have resulted in us working together almost every day in the end so I thought that would happen and the new situation would provide me with a chance to try even harder. I wasn't going to give up. But I knew that was the only reasonable decision when my project failed and it was easy for him to tell me goodbye. I did not expect any reaction from him, I was rather curious what his reaction would be without me putting any pressure on him. By then I was ok with this scenario because I had realized I was not in control of everything. This realization usually makes me afraid like I wrote above. But this is exactly how things end up most of the time.

This guy also had a special name, I think I first heard it in a fairy tale or something like that. Fairy tales are a constant part of codependency, at least as for me. I tend to make many beautiful memories with other people in my mind, but not always in real life, which can be pretty frustrating.