Amber's ramblings
2023-02-12 21:38:31 (UTC)

12/02 continued

Had a good chat to a friend tonight. He was worried about me last night and he came back over today. We spent a few hours chatting. He doesn't think I should get back with him. He said he's playing with my emotions. We talked about our pasts and it was good. I actually found myself opening up to him about a lot of shit. Like the abuse I suffered as a child. And the things my parents told me. How I'm a worthless waste of space and I was mistake. My mum told me she wanted an abortion. What kind of mother tells their child she wanted an abortion. It's no wonder I am the way I am. I try to be a good person. I'm the first one to offer help if anyone needs it. I'd do anything for anyone and I still get shit on. I never thought he would do this but at the same time I'm not surprised. This has happened a few times so I know the deal. I get close to someone and I let them in and then suddenly one day they don't want to know me anymore. It's a fact of life no one really cares at the end of the day. He took my hand and told me he was different. He would never hurt me that way. Liar.

I've lost Bert. He kinda decided he didn't want to live with me anymore and moved in with the neighbours. As long as he's happy and I know he is well looked after there. My surrogate mum and dad spoil him so much. No wonder he doesn't want to be with me. I've been rejected twice in the space of a week. Stupid cat. I'm ok about it. They are lovely people and they don't mind me going over there any time I need a shoulder to cry on. I feel like I can really open up to them. And that is unlike me because my walls are firmly built. I trust them. I know they wouldn't use my past against me. Or even hurt me in any way. I really feel loved and cared for with them. And it's weird because I've never felt that from a parent. And I know they're not my parents but when I was in trouble they were there. And they held me until I was feeling better. I felt safe. I felt love. And I wanted to open up about my past but I couldn't. They are not my therapists. I know they would listen and give me great advice. But I feel like I bother people. I'm trying so hard not to go to them. I know they don't mind but I don't want to get to the stage where they dread me coming. I know they wouldn't be like that but I still worry. My surrogate dad told me to delete his number and block him on everything. He's right I should I just can't do it. I would take him back in a heartbeat. I really would. But nothing has changed. He still isn't going to commit to me like I need him to.

I'm expecting a call tomorrow from the mental health team. Hopefully they will give me an assessment this week and I can get the help I need. I hate that he's triggered this. It's my own fault though. I shouldn't have let him in. I should have known better. This is what people do.