The lonely codependent

Addicted to you no more
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2023-02-12 15:49:18 (UTC)

Pre-Valentine blues

I'm worried about some other things too at the moment to be honest but I can sort those out in the next few weeks. So I'm trying to take my mind off them by turning on my favorite Latin songs. Today I can still do almost whatever I want after all. But I'm starting to not enjoy sitting at home, which I'll probably need to do strictly in the next 3 days though.

The only problem with this music is that it already reminds me of 2 guys from my past. I've mentioned both of them here already. Whatever happened in the past, I don't care. I don't want to. I only want the future to be better and much more progressive. Now that everything is so uncertain I'm trying to let go of control and leave it up to God but there's this constant fear inside me that what I want may never happen, especially because whatever I try to make things better always fails and God has never seemed to support my goal.

So, now what? I need a new beginning so much!

By the way, I think it is important to talk about my feelings as my psychologist always asks me about them, so I'll be honest. Let's imagine what if one of my exes stood in front of my door one day saying he is divorced now and ready to be with me? Of course a lot of things would run through my mind at once and I'd need to make a decision which wouldn't necessarily be so straightforward, but there is one thought I'd definitely have for sure. You've been with someone else, someone who is the same age as me. You had fun during this time, she had fun during this time, and you may keep having fun with me now. But what about me? I was just getting old without having fun, so my time was being wasted basically. I always end up here, don't I? So the circle of my feelings has been closed yet again.

Ok, till Tuesdayevening I'll count how many exes of mine I've thought about recently, the counter shows 3 so far.


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