rotten

lost

(entry number 69 eheheh)

i had the most terrible headache for most of the thu-fri night. i slept like two hours, woke up around four - with two pairs of working limbs, yay! i made a ig direct group for me & j & sa just to ask if they wanted to play skipbo when we all got to the paja, and i was actually early for once. i was ready early, i took w out early, i was at the bus stop early. i took the 30 and damn, it's luxurious. it's less crowded, like 11, but drives the same route as 8. it's the best of both worlds, it's perfection! i had to walk from sori but i didn't mind, it wasn't as windy as it was on thursday. i arrived just after j and while getting my morning coffee i had a talk with a. she said she had briefed h about my situation and would inform others in their weekly meeting on monday. i'm having mixed feelings about that - i guess it's tough for me being a visitor there, a 'customer'. i can't remember if i've written about this or only discussed it with friends, but it's hard for me to figure out how i should react to the employees there. since they're not 'medical professionals' or anything like that, people who'd be 'treating' me, but they're not my peers either, not people i could become friends with ... what exactly are they? something in-between, some sort of emotional support anim-- peeps? idk. it's difficult, because most of the experience i have of people being there for support but not exactly treating me is from the church, and uhh. yeah. i wouldn't treat those people very nicely anymore. it's a bunch of hypocritical hogwash, if you ask me. but the people at the paja are not the same as church employees, but i mean. the situation is similar? the concept is so weird and hard for my brain to fully grasp, so i just... act super awkward around them. avoid eye contact most of the time, don't talk to them if i don't "need" to, and when i do, i usually just joke around like an idiot who can't take things seriously to save her life. the way s still makes all my feelings go into the rollercoaster mode isn't exactly helping with any of this either. i feel like they're getting more and more attractive every day, and imo that's not fair, lmao. so kind, so gentle, so snuggly. and so damn hot it's absolutely insane. no one should be allowed to be that hot.

anyway, we played skipbo. ju joined us, and we added her to our igd group. she said she has been meaning to ask me for my handle, hehe. ohhh, i was also super duper cringey and finally asked so if she had an ig or something, and she got seemingly uncomfortable and said that it's tricky because she's an intern, but that perhaps we could be (online-)friends after their internship's done. that's what i had meant but i should've had specified it, maybe she wouldn't have gotten so awkward if i'd included the "after your done with this internship" in my question. she said that it was nice that i asked though, but i don't know if i believe she meant it, haha. we'll see. but i really do feel like we click really well, she seems excited to have conversations with me and we have a lot in common - like i said, we'll see. but yeah, we played skipbo and yatzy the whole day, haha. the whole day before each of us had to leave; j had her sleep class, sa had to pack because she's leaving for cyprus today(!) and ju had something she needed to do at home. i missed the bus i meant to take to my pppt's appointment, so! i had no choice, i had to take the tram. it was my first time - i lost my tram virginity, even made an ig story about it lol. the tram was absolutely packed so it wasn't super pleasant, but it was okay. fast, steady. i arrived in time. i told the pppt about my legs refusing to work on thursday and we discussed it and the phone call that induced that. we talked for like half an hour and then she did some manual therapy on me, focusing on my legs but involving my whole body to further my 'experience of wholeness'. it felt amazing, and afterwards... my mind was so clear, i can't remember the last time i felt that, if ever. i was super grounded, present in the moment. it made me realize i have probably been dissociating a lil bit *all the time* these past days and weeks and ok let's face it at this point it's months. i really do need to dig out my spike strip, and i should at least TRY the massaging mat i bought from lidl in the fall. it's ridiculous that i have it but it's still in it's box and hasn't come out (that i know of lmao).

my new fave thing is playing dice-/cardgames at the paja. with the people of my choosing, i mean... oh talking about the people of my choosing, i forgot to mention on thursday, but the entire almost-two-hours i spent trying to self-regulate in the forest room, they had band practice in the studio. and it sounds absolutely horrible! sure it's impressive, very very impressive, that they've made the songs - but that they're also the ones to perform them... shouldn't be allowed. i'm sorry, i'm a terrible person, *i* shouldn't be allowed really. but! even if i'm not blessed with any musical talent, my ears still bleed when i gotta listen to them play. ok, the playing is very much ok, but the singing. omb (oh my britney). also, they were so loud no one would've been able to hear me even if i did go into a full panic mode, so yeah. literally the worst possible timing, lmaoooo! i should come up with a buuuunch of speed-friending starter questions; luckily m1 had some nice and funny ideas, i'm definitely make use of those. later today i'm seeing mi, i think we're gonna go for an outdoor coffee time! and idk what else, but probably something. she has a car in her use! for the first time ever in this city. it's nice that i don't have to dig my own up, start the engine cold etc. i'm also saving on gas, hah.

oh, today's title! it's the new single linkin park released, with chester's vocals! the first of SIX unheard-of songs from their meteora recording sessions... they're releasing a special 20th anniversary set of their album 'meteora' on april 7th and i can't fucking wait. i cried when i first listened to the song yesterday evening, and i've been looping it ever since. it truly sounds like a meteora era song, and i love that. i mean i love all their albums, the last one is just as amazing as their previous ones, even if it's a bit different. i think LP is one of the only bands in this universe that i love their whole discography of. it's been a safe haven (one of the very few) for me in such a massive way, and for so long too - over TWENTY years! it's incredible to get some new songs from a favorite artist who's already passed away, it blows my mind. they even made an anime video for the song, with chester in it... that made me cry even more. ughh, no matter what anybody says, i love linkin park. so damn much. something about their music just hits me differently, i don't know why that is. i'm not complaining though.
ok now i really need to take a shower if i plan on being ready when mi arrives, bye bye, future me reading this!