rotten

mental snow white shit, again

so, today my most hated symptom decided to make a comeback. the conversion symptom of my limbs, umm... not working. this time it was "just" my legs, but it lasted for almost four hours. i was at the paja, of course. i called the psych clinic for a follow-up on my previous call from two weeks ago - my doctor/nepsych had tried calling me then (two days after i had called, at 6 o'clock in the evening, from a hidden number, without notifying me in advance or messaging me afterwards) ONCE. i only read about it from my personal records and i hadn't heard from them since, so, yeah. i called again. only this time the person on the other end of the line... yikes. what an asshole. she asked why i was calling and i told her i just wanted to follow-up on a call i made before since i had no contact info to call my doc back personally. she then asked what my issue was, and i told her i haven't slept in months, am having financial problems and recently scored an all-time high on BDI21. i suspect she wasn't even listening to me, because even though i mentioned having struggled with insomnia for 18 years, she decided to go down the "well, you know, maintaining a routine and a stable daily rhythm does support better sleep, as well as does calming your evenings" -route. i sighed so fucking loud (i hope she heard it). i mean that's basically answering "this past week i have slept 3 hours altogether" with "well, have you tried, idk, GOING TO BED?" and i can't. after all these fucking years i just fucking can not. ngl i was about ready to murder her then already - and then it kept getting worse and worse. she just assumed a fuckload of things and was extremely unprofessional. she told me there weren't a social worker i could meet up with because of reasons x and y (which is weird, since my psych has previously suggested that himself) but that they just got some brand new flyer ads about this place i could call (at that point i had already told her taking care of anything and even making the call we were on felt like way too much atm) that could help me with "all my debts and distraints" lmao. i told her i had none of those, i just wished to meet up with a social worker to go over some things since my income currently isn't covering things like umm, idk, rent and food, for example. she kept saying "yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, okay..." to everything, and apparently still not listening to a single thing i said. she told me to "hang in there" until the end of march when my next appointment is set to be, "can you do that?" ... i replied with "well, if you're asking if i'll stay alive until then, then yeah, probably, i guess so" and she went "great! i can't promise the doc'll have time to call you before that but i'll leave him a note saying you called. byebye!" and i just-- umm. i mean... what.

i cried, because of course i did. i had once again replied to "you gonna be alright?" with "yes" when the real answer is definitely "not really". i swear one day i'll reply with a no - and i'll reply "what kind of help do you think you'd need?" with "FUCKING HELL isn't that supposed to be YOUR job to figure out?!", mark my words. anyway, i sat in the studio crying when a few people barged in. tbf their reaction was really sweet; "oh sorry i didn't see you do you need to be here you can definitely stay here i'm sorry do you need a hug?" but i couldn't handle... well, being perceived right then, so i said "no but thanks" and left. i got my stuff from the couch (and je1 had the *most* empathetic expression plastered on his face, it immediately made me feel a tiny bit better) and found another room with no one in it and continued crying in there, just trying to steady my breathing. i succeeded and asked sa in for one more round of yatzy - we've been playing A LOT. everyone else probs thinks we're antisocial and a bit rude, but idc. i like hanging out with just j & sa (& ju) and playing yatzy/uno. anyway, after that game sa was leaving and i thought i'd leave too, in an attempt to refrain from having a full-on panic attack. but i went to pee while she left, and suddenly i couldn't breathe again. i took my pills and focused on my breathing, and just when i thought "ok i'm gonna march into an employee's room and ask if i can hyperventilate in there for half an hour please", it happened. my legs refused to take any orders. and i was sitting on the couch, in a weird, stiff curled up position, with one knee up my chin and my ankles crossed and idk it was hella confusing. i couldn't reach my phone or move my arms either, not because they weren't working, but because i didn't dare to move my hands from my face, i was so panicked about my legs not working it took everything i had in me to just. keep. breathing.

...and that's what i did. no one needed that room for the rest of the day, so i was there for almost two hours before a found me when she was closing down the place after everyone else had left. at some point someone came in very briefly - it might've been s, but i hope it wasn't - but they probably thought i just needed some time for myself. if it was another visitor, ofc they didn't say/do anything, but if it was indeed s (or h, he was working that day too) i kinda wonder. i mean i'm glad they didn't come in and try and talk to me, i would've never recovered, but it is kinda curious. although a later told me they don't go asking people if they need help or not if it's not an extreme situation, because there are literally hundreds of people on the visitor list and they're not officially offering any kind of 'treatment' or psych help anyway, so that might be the reason. but i mean if i worked there i would've at least kept an eye out; and i would've informed the other workers there was somebody in there before i left, britneydamnit? idk. je2 also brought some games back to their storage at some point, but again, it's not other visitors' business if someone else is struggling. anyway, a found me, and she was super lovely - the loveliest, actually (lmao, that's what the sequel of 'love, actually' should be called). she -repeatedly- told me there was no rush and to take all the time in the world if i needed to, even though she had to start slowly closing down. she asked what was going on and if i needed some sort of support, and i, while crying my eyes out, told her i was just trying to steady my breathing and not hyperventilate, and that i would've just gone into someone's office and allowed the panic attack to, well, attack, lol, but my legs weren't co-operating. she asked if something had happened and i told her about the phone call and that i also was just sooo fucking tired. she said she couldn't remember if we had discussed my 'wishes' in case i had a panic attack but i told her we hadn't, as i was dumb enough to believe i was over these issues. on my first visit in an interview with m she asked me if there was anything they needed to know, and i just went "pffffft, i don't think so. i mean my adhd is pretty bad and i never sleep, so there is that. i also dissociate a lot but usually not around others... i have a panic disorder but i rarely get attacks anymore, only like once a year or so, so i don't think there's anything to worry about here", lol. little did i know. but now they know; i told her that if i'm able to talk, talking is okay. if i don't reply i usually need water, tissues, fresh air if possible, and in addition some kinda physical touch, as that tends to ground me quicker than just going through the attack on my own. basically as long as anyone else doesn't panic about my panic and no one says stupid shit like "it's gonna be okay", "there's no panic", "you're safe here" etc., i'll be fine in 2 hours max.

we talked for about 45 minutes. she was filled with holy rage towards the psych nurse i had talked on the phone with, and asked if i wanted for us to make a third call together as there's no way them going "hang in there" and expecting me to go almost two more months without sleep was okay. i said it sounded good but that i was really bad at asking for or receiving help. she had a full on pep talk on that - the fact that us visitors are literally what they're in there for, and that i'm never alone and will always get help from them if i ask for it. that nothing else is more important and no matter the task, it can and will immediately be dropped if there's ever something i need (yeah she's amazing). i told her i have another pppt appointment tomorrow and that i'm gonna bring this up with her, but if that doesn't result into anything, i'd be up for another call. she said she could make the actual phone call as long as i was there, present for it, and tbh... that sounds great. i'm exhausted. i feel like i can't deal with any of this. i'm also not motivated to try; nothing has helped in 18 years so my hopes aren't exactly high, *eyeroll*. she wondered if the reason my conversion symptoms made a comeback might be that i feel safer in there or/and that i have started seeing a pppt, if maybe that's what's bringing things up and making some trauma resurface. i think she probably has a point there - i've gone over three years without these symptoms. tbh i had forgotten about this, that it used to happen; that at one point of my life a few limbs going numb every now and then used to be a semi-frequent occurrence. i didn't miss any of it, that much i can say... i'm trying to think of this as a one time thing. i'm manifesting this ain't an actual comeback (otherwise i'm never leaving this house again!). a also told me she or the other employees might not realize if i wasn't doing great or needed help etc because i'm usually so capable, efficient and cheery. brisk and breezy; usually too much so. i mean i guess i mask very well, but it breaks me a bit everytime i hear someone say that i'm so x, y or z to come off as a person with problems. hell, i'm a *walking problem* over all! what is it about me?

i think i jinxed this for myself though, like accidentally manifested something terrible to happen. in the morning when i left my place and was sat on a bus, i texted my girls m and ma, just to let them know i was outdoing myself by going to the paja in sweatpants, hair tied up and without makeup (though the w/out makeup thing i had done before), that i was probably getting more comfortable with the place. afterwards i went "damn it, i knew one should never get too comfortable anywhere!" lol. i dislike my trauma and most of my trauma responses, but i dislike not-being-able-to-use-them-in-my-advantage-when-needed even more... the title of this entry is because the only time i've seen this symptom represented in a film/series, it was in the finnish show 'mental' ('sekasin') and the character was (nick)named 'snow white' ('lumikki'). i also mentioned that to a and well, she had been a little bit involved in *making* the series (omg) so she was familiar with it, and said it had immediately popped into her head as well. after our talk she still had some work to finish before she could close up, so she left me on my own devises for a while. at that point i had already picked my legs up with my hands and placed them on the floor, but i still wasn't moving. a promised she'd accompany me to my bus if i wanted her to, and i did. all this time i was most worried about w, as it was around 11 when i left, - she had been alone for almost ten hours when i finally got home. it was the first time i'd ever left her for that long and i was a wreck! she was completely fine though, thank britney. didn't cry much and had absolutely no hurry to pee once we got outside, lmao! i tried messaging mi to take her out but she was busy with guests and something - and there was no way i was gonna ask n&m, with their 1 week old babyboy! anyway, a took her time finishing her tasks (she has this awesome chaotic energy i love, hahah) and then we walked to the second nearest bus stop, because the nearest was useless at that time of the day. we hopped on a bus nr 7; it took a home and me to the literally next stop, from where i hopped on an 11 after ~four minutes of waiting. a never stopped being great, even when i was getting off the bus she asked like three times if i was sure i didn't want/need her to wait with me, and made me promise i'd call if anything went down (she said she'd hop off the bus and take the next one back to me. sniff, what a sweetheart, really. i can't).

so, eventually i made it home - and so did a. i'm so ashamed i made her stay in for almost two extra hours, but she assured me it was all fine. idk, i wish i'll be able to convince myself to go back. i'll try tomorrow, in case my limbs work when i wake up. if i get any sleep, that is... fingers crossed!