Notes from my Black
It’s the less than feeling
It has been a while since I have felt supported by Her. One huge example is that when I ran a Kickstarter, she bought books. That was super sweet, right? Those books we’re supposed to go to all the local elementary schools. We are 6 months out… and those books are sitting in a drawer. I compiled a list with phone numbers. I’ll be doing it myself I guess. It’s just stupid. When we “talked” about it, she claimed that over the last 6 months she hasn’t had a moment to herself to “deal with it”.
I went to the doctor yesterday and had the stitches removed. The swollen lymphatic tract is healing fine I guess. I asked about the possibility of it going south elsewhere in my body. He didn’t know and asked if I wanted a referral to a specialist. Sh then told me all the ways the biopsy came out clean and how he felt like that was probably a good sign. I tell Her this news and add my own optimism… cause that’s me. I’m optimistic about such things, at least today I was. You might think this would be good news. She started questioning about the doctor. So I was like he didn’t actually say those things, that was me. I was like I didn’t mean to make it sound like the doctor said those things. Now she questions me on everything. I must be this huge liar. I must be… and since I’m untrustworthy, she can barely look at me much less think of touching me. So… like she needed an excuse to prolong this drought of intimacy. We haven’t been naked together for about a year now.
It’s funny how this is occurring right before Valentine’s Day. Setting the stage for physical distance. She quotes a doctor who writes and talks about relationships on occasion. One things She’s said is everything you do between times you have sex is foreplay. Well… she’s setting the stage to have abstinence, not sex. She probably thinks I am too.