barefoot & barely lifelike
2023-02-05 23:10:07 (UTC)

it's all relative

long time no a b c. i have continued on my 'shitty friend' path - replying to t was my # 1 priority *last* weekend; or even the one before?? i can't remember. either way, i still haven't replied to him. haven't even sent out the memes i was going to, with the promise of soon recording something. i don't think there's much of a point to actually reply to things he said in his last voice notes, as it's literally been mooooontthhsss, like. four of them? it's insane, i can't believe this is the kind of person i've become... again. i hate depression. i hate that it's become my entire personality and stains every part of my being, everything that i am. i wish i could at least get a break of some kind, but nooo no no no. m1 also sent me some voice messages, and i really wanted to reply to her too, i just never did. maybe i will? tomorrow? or one day. idk.

on friday we played some board & card games on nintendo switches, like we had planned. it was quite fun, i like hanging out with j & sa. then we spent time planning the art exhibit we're having later this spring / the beginning of summer / i can't even remember when. i have no idea if i'll participate - i can't remember the last time i created something, if ever. i mean i've never painted a painting, i don't think. i can't even remember the last time i drew something that wasn't just some crappy thoughtless doodling. i'm considering poetry with some kind of visuals, but i don't know. there's one old poem i found that would work with the theme, but... i don't know. everything i draw/paint usually ends up looking like it was made by a four yearold, and that's fucking frustrating. maybe it could be a collab? or just simply words on a paper? we'll see. anyway, i had another good talk with so in the kitchen, and then there was room on the couch so i spent a while cuddled up on o's side. he's such a teddy bear, and i love that he doesn't mind - well, it's not just that he doesn't mind, he likes - a little bit of closeness. oo was on his other side, and je almost lost his mind lmao. idk why but he seems to get a bit anxious whenever others hug or cuddle or even touch each other. perhaps there's some trauma behind it? or then he's just irritated, lol, and thinks that the paja is not the place for pda, even if it's just the friendly kind. either way, it's not forbidden by any rules or anything, so i'm gonna keep low key cuddling o as long as he's okay with it, f je. ok that's a bit harsh, i really like je too - i really like 'the paja boys' altogether, and for me that is o, je and jo. maybe n too, but i'm still pretty sure he hates me, so i'm not that keen on him either haha (or i mean i don't feel that comfortable around him).

i had the second appointment with my pppt on friday too. that's why i had to leave o's side, haha. i spent the first 15 minutes in the physio-acoustic chair (after i had answered my phone and "gotten rid of" v's friend who's doing her doctorate and is willing to pay me to transcribe some interview material for her - yay! a job gig! she sounded exhausting though. but i really need the money, so...) and then we went through some self-massaging techniques. it was nice, i think the pppt will be good for me. she didn't even ask if i had managed to get the relaxation exercises done every night, so she wasn't upset by my answer being a "no" either, lmao. i'll try this week, i promise! as well as some self-massage shit. it all felt really good anyway, so. can't hurt, right? after the pppt i briefly went back to paja, and when it closed at four i waited forever for a bus to take me home. then i took the dog out and headed to mi's for lazy dinner and a runeberg's tart baking! all in all it was a good day. i was tired as hell afterwards, went straight to bed - i should have packed etc., but i figured i'd do that in the morning. every time i feel even a little bit tired i'll just switch the lights off and close my eyes in hopes of getting some sleep. i have been falling asleep rather early this past week or so, but i always wake up in 1-3 hours... that sucks, but at least i feel sleepy at times. i love that.

on saturday i left a bit late; no surprises there, lol. i was at my sister's before it was four, had some food and played cats&soup with a, and around five-ish we arrived at jen's. jes was already there. w was super confused to find no other animals there - t sadly passed away since our last visit, and a was taking care of p for jen, or for me, haha, so that i wouldn't need to worry about leaving the dogs alone in the apartment. we went to the store for some breakfast items and snacks, and in the meantime ... w had *pooped* on the carpet. W! she's never done that before, never. not once. she's only ever gone inside if she's had some kind of a stomach bug, and she's always been deeply ashamed of herself. she must've been really stressed out having been left alone in jen's apartment, that poor little thing :< luckily she handled our restaurant visit way better, barely even cried when we got back. but the restaurant... we went to jen's favorite, the fat lizard. me and jes shared a starter, it was some sort of a tortilla with pulled pork and a sauce that i had no idea what it was, but it was good. h's and jen's starters looked a lot better though, h had giant tiger prawn tails and bread, jen had blinis with smetana and caviar, but i managed lmao. others decided to get a bottle of wine - i would've never, it was like 55 euros, omg. i took my time trying to decide on what to have as main, but ended up with a "404 pizza not found" which i expect was because it had pineapple on it - it was essentially an "americana" pizza, with ham, pineapple and blue cheese. it was actually panchetta, caramelized pineapple and gorgonzola, plus chili oil, fresh basil and a fuck ton of mozzarella. it was absolutely heavenly! i was happy with my choice; even though my option nr 2, the chicken burger thingy that jes had, looked really good too, i got to take half a pizza home and have it as today's lunch. so yeah, it was all really good and apparently this morning when i was napping the others agreed to just split the bill and not charge me for any of it, so. winwinwinwinwinwinwin!

we talked a lot about our messed up families. jen was very vocal, as was my sister - it's wild being around people who talk more than me, lol. i love it though, since if it was actually up to me, i'd be silent most of the time. unfortunately it's my brain that makes the choices around here... anyway. we discussed their dad's death too. i didn't know and apparently jen had only recently found out too, that jes was there when it had happened. jan found him, but it seems their mum took jes with her when jan called for "backup". i think jan was like 13, jes 11? so... yikes. some questionable choices were definitely made. the whole case is so sad and enfuriating. jes said he doesn't think it really affected him though, seeing his dad dead. i don't believe that. as the night went on it became clear that jes didn't remember anything, about anything. i think he's suppressed most of his memories, and i mean, who could blame him? it's still a bit strange though, that he's not bothered by it. saying he doesn't remember anything from before he was an adult is such a bizarre thing for me, i can't fathom not remembering. i kinda wish i didn't remember so well though... jen was really frustrated. she's told me before that they never talk about things, that they've never once discussed their father's death. i would've gone insane if i had lost my dad so young and in such sketchy conditions *and* my siblings refused to ever talk about it, or him. those are the only people who'd know what i was going through! ugh. makes me sick thinking about what they have had to go through. we also discussed our beloved uncle, the child molester... jen didn't state *that* clearly that she was also one of his victims so i'm not sure whether h or even jes know, so obv i just kept my mouth shut. BUT YEAH the topics were light and airy and fun and things - not. dang this whole family is such a shit show, really. sometimes i think i don't and we don't give ourselves enough credit. after all, we're all still alive and we grew up to be decent people, all of us. it's truly a miracle when you look at where we came from.

we stayed up until like, four-ish? jen fell asleep a lot earlier though. me and h woke up around nine, i got a decent night's sleep - around four hours, i think. we watched shitty reality tv and ate breakfast together, and just. hung out? we made it back to my sister's around four, maybe it was. i played with a a couple of hours while h took a nap on the couch and ju did whatever the hell he did. then i had some pancakes and drove home. leaving the house wasn't as difficult as it could've been; i kinda tricked a into letting me go nicely. oh yeah, i was supposed to visit saa today; i didn't. i found out she was planning on going to the stables in the evening and we decided to reschedule as we would've had only so much time now. i was tired as hell when i got home though, so it worked out nicely.

tomorrow it's opera time! me and 29 others from the paja are going to see wagner's 'the flying dutchman' - i've never been to opera before, and antti holma's opera festival -podcast has promised me good shit, so i'm looking forward to it.