The lonely codependent

No social life is no good

I've not really been going out recently, partly because I don't want to go to malls and such places these days. But that's not the only reason so I should probably change my behavior.

Some of my old acquaintances are going to a Brazilian restaurant next weekend - tô falando demais desse país, né? 🤦🏻‍♀️ so that should not be a problem. I'll think about it. Maybe I should quickly allow a guy to love bomb me and if I'm lucky he will be from that country (which in talking too much about if someone is not familiar with Latin languages) so I can have two least favorite days every year - but after all that wouldn't be so bad because if someone gives me a reason to celebrate that is in fact a good thing. I'd willingly travel to his country for even just 2-3 days right in the middle of February to celebrate out anniversary so the problem is solved 🤷🏻‍♀️

As for Brazilian guys, or Brazilians in general, I see my friends doing what basically everybody wants to do. I've known some people for years and by now many of them are married and have kids (the latter may not be ideal for me though). Including the guy I wanted to marry. We never met in person but he told me about his new girlfriend while the Olympics were being held in Rio de Janeiro. So there's no way I can forget the date. What bothered me the most is that this guy was a bit older than me but his gf is the same age as me or even younger.

A few nights later I woke up with a panic attack, something I'd never had before and I've never had again ever since then. We didn't even talk for a long time but during Covid this changed because he texted me and I was worried he might be sick. I was no longer angry so everything seemed fine again...

...till last summer. That was when I simply started a conversation with him, like Hi, how are you, how are things going?
-I'm fine, thanks, my wife and I are doing this and that...
With that the conversation was basically over because I no longer felt strong enough to reply. I never did, he only sent me a merry Christmas message later to see if I'm ignoring him probably. I replied to that but basically ever since then we've been ignoring each other.

I went to bed crying and I knew this was not because of him because since the Rio Olympics I'd had many other crushes gone out with many other guys. I was more like envy that someone who is the same age as me has been in a relationship for years and now married, living the kind of life I want and need while I'm still stuck and at a standstill. There are so many things I'd be willing to give up for a happy marriage...

So this was one of the stories I'd wanted to share for a long time. Now I think I should go back to sleep because today I have to work or at least try to do something useful.