Life of secrets
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2023-02-03 20:40:37 (UTC)


Hormonal and emotional today. Why does it feel like every time I’m due on, my husband does things to make me feel worse. Not even on purpose. It just seems to happen that way. And I don’t think I’m seeing the shitty behaviour more because I’m more sensitive right now either.

Im tearful today. He said he might see a friend tonight and it made me feel lonely. I don’t see any friends anymore. I don’t even know if I have friends anymore. It’s my own fault too. I shut myself off from the world after too many gatherings with pregnant women or women with children. I couldn’t do it anymore and I turned into a recluse…

I know this is just getting to me more because of the hormones. My period is coming. Another month no pregnancy. I expect it now, it’s no surprise anymore.

Frank the hamster is becoming less skittish, although he freaked out a couple times today and his reaction makes me jump. But he’s getting better each day.

Sometimes I wonder whether the psychics who told me I’d get pregnant are just seeing him. After all, I am a hamster mum now.

Since having reiki, my thinking towards having children has changed. Which is weird as I’ve wanted children since I was a child myself. To suddenly feel differently is strange. The desire isn’t as strong. But I still want one. Yet the reality isn’t as appealing as it once was… I’d still be devastated if it never happened though.

My husband has been on the phone to friends all evening. Literally since he came home. I don’t feel he wants to be around me. I want to sit in bed and have a good cry.

We have a religious event on Sunday and I genuinely don’t want to go. Church is hard enough and now I’ve got to sit through a whole day event… I can’t avoid anyone there. It’ll be rammed full of people.

Tomorrow I am going to my hair dresser. Seeing her every 3-4 weeks is the most social I’ve been. We have a good chat and a cup of tea. I like it.

Then I’ll visit my niece.

Tomorrow sounds like a nice day.