Amber's ramblings
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2023-02-03 19:45:19 (UTC)


I feel like I'm wasting my time with college. I had words with him today about the exam we were meant to do this month. He hasn't put me in for it. And he still hasn't taught us anything. He got me to do a practice paper and I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing. I couldn't answer the questions because I didn't know how or what they meant. There's only 2 of us in the class so why isn't he teaching us. Yes we're both at different levels but it should be easy considering there's just 2 of us. So I emailed the college to put a complaint in. I'm not happy. I want the teacher back that we had at the start. She was actually teaching us and it was fun to learn. Now I'm getting stressed over it. It's not good enough. He gets paid to teach us and he can't be bothered.

It's Friday night and he's not calling me tonight. Still at least he told me. I would have been waiting all night for a call that wasn't coming. I'm pissed off. He hardly calls me and when he does it's only a few minutes on a Friday night. He doesn't understand what it does to me. I need someone who I can rely on. And that's not him at the moment. Iay as well be single because basically I am. He says he loves me. I believe him but he doesn't love me as much as he says he does. If he did he would do anything to be with me. He doesn't want to be with me. Again I wonder if I'm wasting my time. It's going to hurt too much to leave him and I'm really not strong enough. I tell him it's over and he talks me round. One day I might be strong enough. He will never be with me so what's the point. It's never going to go anywhere. I really don't know what to do. We argue a lot about it and all he can say is you knew my situation from the start. But the truth is I didn't. He lied to me from the start. I only found out the truth after I fell in love with him. And after we discussed moving to be closer to him. Obviously I didn't go there after what he told me. But I did move closer to family and closer ish to him I just don't get it. How can he say he loves me yet treats me like this. It's like I don't matter to him. I know I'm stupid for staying with him. But the last person I had feelings for left me utterly broken and close to suicide. I was in hospital for a while on the psych ward. I'm over him now but now I feel like I'm heading back there again. He was my road to recovery and now he's the one I'm breaking over. He is going to destroy me if I don't do something soon. And I really don't want to end up back on the psych ward. It's not a nice place to be. What do I do? I can't cope without him. And he doesn't want to be with me. Not properly anyway. I need help but none of my friends like him and think I broke up with him a long time ago. The only person I can talk to is Leanne and even she don't like him but she supports me. Grrrrr