colabear

trapped in my ghost

When you stay at a school for a long time, there are many things that could happen. The people around you might be friends that you have known for a long time. Or more often than not, your best friends, the people that truly understand you, have left long ago. This leaves you standing in the cold, dark room wondering, “What can I do now?”

You look at the people around you and you see a girl laughing as her friend whispers something to her. A boy is chasing another boy who is holding a phone in the air. Their world seems enchanting and I’m drawn to them. But as I reach my hand outwards, there is a force that pushes me back. I try once, twice, and a third time. But, it’s as if I’m destined for failure, and I can not walk through the invisible layer of vines.

Panting and crushed, I collapse on the wooden floor. The bitter taste of failure lingers in my mouth. As I contemplate, the hatred I sense toward the Great Wall is reflected in myself. Evil thoughts flow into my mind, “Am I the problem? What is wrong with me? Why can’t I be like them?”

My deepest cravings become threads of tangled doubt piling inside of me, pinning me down from the vast sky. Every feeling of anxiety I identify as a sign of my failure; I push them down one by one into the abyss of my heart. But now the pieces of myself I have chosen to abandon haunt me in the dark, silent night.

In the silent night, flashes of its ghost keep me awake in the dead of the night, trembling under my bed. I scream and yell, hoping that will make it go away. But I know when the morning comes, it will become my shadow and follow me everywhere I go because it is a part of me.