colabear

the Echo i need to Hear

I don’t know why but being with others makes me feel lonely. I never felt this way during the summer when I’m with my family. But when I’m at school, I feel extremely lonely. It’s as if I don’t exist and there is no place there for me.

I make small talk and it’s a struggle but it’s fine. But I soon realize that I don’t want friends for small talk. I want to have meaningful conversations with them. I want to feel that someone cares about me and have someone to talk to when I’m sad or someone to share interesting things. I feel agony from trying so hard to make small talk with others with no success and it makes me feel lonelier than ever.

Other people's friendships seem so wonderful and I don’t have that. I don’t have anyone that I talk to when I feel sad or depressed. Everyone is just a guest in my life and I am a guest in their life. I just hope that a guest could slow down and stay a little longer and listen to me——my long stories that I have no one to tell. I am the old man that sits on the bench who would tell anyone that would listen to the story of their life.

When the semester started, I told myself that I would speak up more and make more friends. I usually am really energetic with other people and try to be friendly. But sometimes I sigh because I struggle with socializing with others so much. It is such a draining activity and I feel so uncomfortable all the time. I think it’s fine that I feel uncomfortable but I just hope that I could at least hear one echo. I wish I could be loved even if I didn’t try. I want to be cradled in the midst of the fluffy blankets of the sky.