Colors of My Life
the battle inside me
When I was writing a new poem today, I noticed something interesting. I felt a nagging weight on me. It was like the insides of me were battling and that made me feel uncomfortable. They felt like chains that were pinning me down when I desperately wanted to escape and soar into the open skies; to tap at my keyboards with the ease and comfort I have felt before. Instead, I thought about each sentence with unprecedented caution like there was money bid on each sentence that I was writing. I wanted to write each sentence well but I didn’t know if I wrote better than the piece I wrote last time. I also felt an invisible pressure to write well because I felt like there was going to be an expectation. The most important thing is, I didn’t think what I wrote was particularly amazing. But the reaction I received was completely unexpected because I thought it was not a great piece. And now I feel uneasy.
I hope we will be able to share on Monday and I’ll realize that it was all nothing. It’s ok that I feel this way and I’m practicing being mindful and accepting my thoughts for what they are. The funny thing is, everyone keeps saying that the perfect partner is someone who accepts you for who you are. But, I don’t even accept myself. I hate the way I feel and the way I act a lot. This is something really interesting and I should explore this idea more in the future.
After I finished the poem, I felt the urge to send it to someone else. It wasn’t a feeling where I wanted praise but just an urge to show someone what I wrote and to hear what they thought of it. I felt content when the person I shared it with said they liked it. Or did I? I honestly felt a lot. I think I felt content sharing it and receiving feedback.
Then, what is this conflicting emotion I sense inside?