colabear

the ultimate question

I never really understood the meaning of school. It’s one of those things where I followed along because everyone else is doing it and claiming it’s important. Day after day, year after year, I spent so much time on school but I still didn't understand why. When my surroundings are loud, the question lingered in the background and I didn't mind so much. But when darkness conquered the city, the question left me shivering under my sheets.

This question still haunts me to this day and I am still lost. All the theories I’ve read online and the things academically successful people have said have shaped my understanding of this question.

Yet, I am still unconvinced.

To patch this unfillable void, I resort to brainwashing. In the mornings, I tell myself there is a purpose and that I’ll be educated and become a better person in the end. But at night when I’m vulnerable and exhausted, I’m overcome by the thoughts that I try so hard to repress. I feel like a survivor of the Black Death asking, “Why did God do this to us?” when I ask “Why does my education, something that is supposed to enlighten and inspire me, cause me so much pain? In the moments when I’m supposed to grow, I fall, shattering into pieces, and am left to puzzle myself back together. I’m scared that the monster it has grown in me will haunt me even after I pack my bags and walk out the campus gates.

It would be unfair to say I have gained nothing from my education. But I have also gained scars on my back that keep me awake at night.

I can’t run away but the least I can do is write.