rotten

fucked up finances

i'm trying to decide whether i should jump from my french balcony or the roof of this building, that's how well it's going rn. i was "crunching the numbers" as they say, looking into this month's budget, and well... it's not great. if i wanna live, ie eat *anything*, i won't be able to pay my rent. so that's fun! if my unemployment fee gets taxed *at all* i won't be able to afford my rent even if i didn't eat, so that's even more fun. i'm gonna have to try and settle things, somehow. although, it's not just this month, it's all the upcoming months if the job sitch stays the same. and i don't think it's gonna change - i have absolutely zero energy to try and find something new, and if my current company had any more work i should've heard about it by now. i'm feeling desperate, i have no clue what to do. i can't think of anything. if i was less disgusting i'd seriously consider selling sex. if one got paid for donating eggs in this country, i would do that; i have no use for them anyway - but i live in a socialist hell hole, so. ok jk, i can only wish for actual socialism. duh.

talking about eggs - ok this is a 'donkey's bridge' like no other but let's roll with it - i texted n this morning and m replied back saying that she had just gone into labour! so there's potentially a new human in my world now, she'd gotten the epidural around 9am. i haven't heard from them since but i assume i will sooner or later. ohh, how i hope everything went smoothly and well. i almost even prayed this morning, but only almost. i can't wait to have another baby in my life! i should've given n the knitted shorts & hat -combo the last time we saw each other, damn it. i considered it but then decided i wanted to wrap them up as a nice gift, but i haven't gotten around to it... ain't nobody surprised about that tho.

i can't stand the "your hearts are full again" notification from duolingo so i'm playing until i have five again. my sister called me today after i messaged her about my budget for the weekend - the cousin meetup - and it eased my mind a little. just a little though. i hate money, i hate having financial issues AGAIN after i went almost two years without having as much of them. i mean i've always had some and probs always will, but y'know. there has been times when there were less issues. dang i just realized i crawled into bed with the pants (that all hairs get super attached to) on... such a ridiculous moment of "why can't anything go right?" lmao. i'm not really *that* pathetic, i'm just losing it; about to reach my limit. tomorrow is the second pppt appointment and i haven't done a single relaxation exercise, ooooopps. i bet she'll be very proud of me, lol, not. gosh i'm so tired of all this crap that is my life! why does it have to be like this? why hasn't my doctor tried to call me again when he couldn't reach me a week ago? it's not like i could just call him. maybe i'll ask the pppt about it, and about meeting with a social worker. idk. i just wanna stop being alive please

i'm so fucking tired. sleepy even. still sure i won't sleep tho, as i never do. i made plans with j and sa to be at the paja at 10 tomorrow - j promised she'd bring both hers & her husband's nintendo switches so we can play (sa has her own), and i hope i won't oversleep or some shit. the emloyees were weirdly excited we made plans to hang out at the paja and apparently they discussed it among each other, and *three* of them, separately, tried to assure us it'd be okay if we wanted to use the projector and/or paja's switch, lol. they clearly didn't believe us when we told them we didn't want or need to do that, or then they thought we just didn't have the guts to ask - it's weird because i really don't believe j or i come off as very modest or shy. sa? maybe. me and/or j? no way. although i rarely ask for anything, so maybe i've tricked them. either way it was rather cute of them (s was especially cute. i wish they'd stop that) and regardless, we had a good day playing a bunch of yatzy. sa did NOT even win every round!

i survived the water outage we had today, from 8-16. i was at the paja from 14 to 18 though (never again btw, getting home past six was a paaaaain), in the morning i slept a bit and the bus left at 13:15 already, so i didn't suffer from it that much. i had quite a lot of water "in store" too lol; things like outages make me super nervous for some reason. talking about water - t was here yesterday and she did my dishes! all of them, the whole mountain. i was and am so grateful i could cry. let me tell ya that's how one saves a life, doing their dishes. we also ordered food and she paid for the delivery, though she works for the delivery company, so she gets a discount haha. we had cafe picnic's baked potatoes; and today i had the rest of mine for lunch. i also promised to see la this week but we didn't make more specific plans, so. it didn't happen. tomorrow i might see mi if she has the energy after work, on saturday it's cousin time and on sunday i'm gonna go see s. i don't know how i'm gonna pay for gas though... ughh i hate money. hate hate hate hate hate. ha te. h a t e. i hate money more than i hate life itself, and that's saying something.

so much moaning and complaining in this entry, but whatcha gonna do? there's nothing to do. or perhaps i could actually try selling ass? i'll settle for trying to sleep, for now, though.