Bruce

BDW's recovery from Parental Abuse
2023-02-01 19:10:24 (UTC)

Letting Go

During my life, I have been told by my mother and others that I was the "Peacemaker" the one to bring family members together. That was a role I stepped into at a young age, dealing with the continual cycle of fights, raging, alcohol fueled barbarity and general abuse in the house I grew up in. There were times that I too engaged in the fighting, but I have always tried to be the broker of peace. It was plainly not my role to be responsible for as a child, looking back retrospectively. But like too many things, I was pushed into taking adult level roles and responsibilities as a child, due to the general dysfunction with with my parental units and their corresponding emotional immaturity and lack of self control. I was parentified at an early age and also there was the emotional aspect of being my mothers' unofficial counselor.

As I grew up in the environment of cycles of abuse, primarily fueled by my mothers' BPD rages/depressive episodes and the alcohol centric brutality of my stepfather, I developed some truly diametrically opposed traits and/or beliefs. One primary thing, was that I wanted nothing more than to live in a family where love was NOT based on periods between abuse. A second was that I wanted the fear of abandonment to go away; this fear was due to the breakup of my original family and the near constant threat of the breakup of the current family. A third belief that I had, was that I could be the peacemaker, to try and fix the problems with my family, in particular with my mother and stepfather. A fourth thing I desperately wanted was to not be in an environment where I did not know from hour-to-hour or day-to-day, if there was going to be conflict or normalcy.

I was told during my childhood and even as a young adult, that all people fight, all couples fight. That is simply not true, maybe it was true in the maternal side of my family, but it not true of all families. I was very, very lucky to meet my wife, I think I somehow won the wife lottery. Not only is she an emotionally stable lady, but her family is also highly stable. She never grew up seeing her parents beat each other, scream and curse each other, threaten to commit suicide or abuse the children in the home. My wife and even I, have a happy, close relationship with her parents and siblings. There is no underlying, festering history of terror, abuse or deep pain that comes from that.

The reality that I have had to face in therapy, is that I was damaged physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually by the years of abuse directed at me or around me, in my childhood. I actually had MRI scans of my brain to show my hippocampus is smaller than average, which is tied to abuse while growing as a child. Personally, I have a very low tolerance for arguing and fighting, I refuse to be around it or engage in it. In terms of my feelings, bond or relationship with my mother; it is highly complicated. As a small child or infant, I doubt we actually bonded, like most mother/babies do. As a teenager, I really had conflicting feelings toward her. On one hand, I loved her and wanted to be protected by her and wanted to protect her when my stepfather beat her. On the other hand, I was terrified of her when she would go into her frequent manic rages with threats of suicide, verbal abuse, and emotional manipulation. The emotional enmeshment, in terms of the parentification and her using me as her marriage counselor and confidant, was absolutely wrong. As a child, I had to grow up and I was not in a position to even take on this load. The other issue in our parent-child relationship that was skewed is that I felt she saw me more as a little brother, and she always has exhibited a competitiveness to me. I got my bachelor's degree, then she had to get hers and then go for higher degrees, that is just one example.

Another issue is that she has ignored my expressed wishes about things and pushed me to concede to her desires. In particular this was about events in my life, as a means of her vicariously living what she missed. I really, really do not like ceremonies or to be the center of attention and never have. In my life, there were two events when this happened. One was when I graduated high school and she put on a big deal, even yelling when I was handed my diploma, embarrassing me; she did not get at attend her own graduation due to being pregnant with me. The second was my wedding; my wife and I really wanted a small wedding with select family and friends only. My mother pushed for a larger wedding and invited every relative and friend that she could think of. I think this is because her wedding, being four months pregnant with me, was just a living room ceremony.

All of this effected me more than I was willing to or probably even capable of admitting, until recently. My relationship with my mother is/was complex. Yes, I love her and wanted her to love me. But I honestly believe that she has no idea what loving a person actually is. My conception of love is that it is a choice. It is a choice made hourly, daily, weekly, etc. that is expressed in words and deeds to another person. No one goes through life without making mistakes or hurting another persons' feelings, but an individual with insight will repent and seek forgiveness. By repent, I mean the formal definition of it, not just apologizing and continuing the hurtful behaviors. Did my mother show me love and attention as a child and adult, absolutely the answer is yes. Did she also consistently terrorize me, physically, verbally and emotionally abuse me as a child? Absolutely she did. Did she allow me to be beaten by her alcoholic husband, and not protect me as a child? Absolutely she did. And here is the brutal, unadorned truth that I have lived with for 48 years - I both love and despise my mother simultaneously, and I have always thirsted to be loved and accepted by her, unconditionally. The reality is that she failed to protect me as a child, she actively was abusive to me consistently as a child, and she also showed me love in between.

The reality I live with now, at 58 years of age, is that she either cannot or will not change. Her and my stepfather still fight, like emotionally stunted children. She expects me (and my siblings) to attend to her emotional and other needs and still is verbally and emotionally aggressive. In my adult life, the ONLY source of familial conflict and chaos is her and my stepfather. I have to let go.

I have to let go of the idea that she will somehow actually love me and treat me respectfully. I have to let go that she will not be an emotionally abusive person. I have to let go of the dream of actually having a mother who is normal. I have to let go and escape the turmoil, with her at the center of the storm. I have to let go of hope that I can actually have a mother that can be motherly. I have to let go of my illusions that she can be whole. I have to let go and heal.

I have to let go........




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