Life of secrets
My anxiety was triggered quite severely a couple days ago. Reminded me of the worst time in my life, when I got married (I kid you not) and yesterday afternoon after some rescue remedy and distant healing was when I managed to calm down and feel a bit more normal again.
Since going through with this sale, I noticed every time I had to send paperwork to the solicitor, I’d start shaking uncontrollably. I soon realised it was the reaction to remembering when we were going through with a sale before. Things have only changed over the last year. More so over the last 6 months. So not that long really. Before this, life was a bit hellish.
I’ll start more at the beginning… when I got married. Wedding day was happy. Started with lies. I’d grab a bridesmaid and vape in the toilets. Husband had no idea. He didn’t know I’d been smoking for 2 years, vaping for 5. Kind of shows how little attention he gave me, right? I think so. But overall I was happy with my choices that day, although I knew deep down it wasn’t right and things were about to get real.
After the wedding and honeymoon, I move into his room that he was renting. We lived in a room for 6 months before I left. I’d tried talking to him before we got married, about this, and he told me “if we can’t live in a room together, we shouldn’t get married” and his overall reaction made me agree to going ahead with it. Worst decision of my life. Those 6 months were hell. Actual hell. I didn’t sleep for days on end, and had to maintain my job - which back then, there was no working from home. We’d argue constantly because that bed was our kitchen table, sofa and place to sleep. He wouldn’t want to go to sleep until 3am whereas I’d want to sleep at 9pm because, I was exhausted from not sleeping…. But he’d tell me I wasn’t compromising by going to bed early. I wasn’t thinking of what HE wanted. Eventually I became sick. Constantly. Infections. My body wasn’t coping. He was narcissistic in so many ways, it became unbearable. I’d go to my mums a couple nights a week just to sleep, he would make me feel guilty. Just writing about this kind of triggers me - so much of this, I never think about anymore. Anyway, eventually I left. Besides, he’d tell me to leave every time I’d ask “this isn’t working what shall we do?” His answer was “no one’s making you stay” so I left. And of course I was the worst person alive and he told everyone that he’d done everything to try to make things work. He said I just up and left for no reason.
Eventually people realised I was not the problem.
When we got back together, we decided to try and buy a house. We were halfway through the sale when the mortgage lender backed out. I blame my husbands credit history and lack of working history, however he blames covid because nothing is ever his fault. Also during that time when the sale was going through, I had a lot of money I didn’t want him to know about because he’d generally excuse himself from having to help with anything financially if he knew I had money AND he never told me about his. So the sale also started off with lies and I’d get anxiety every time I was asked for a bank statement. Our broker was also a misogynistic dick. It was also me that was doing all the leg work- running up and down to solicitors, paperwork, finances etc. and then something happened that caused a huge upset, which I can’t even talk about (and this is what triggered me the other day). I look back and I’m glad the sale didn’t go through in the end, but at the time i was devastated because that was my only hope of getting him out of that beloved room.
Eventually his landlord told him to leave and we ended up at my mums for a year. Then mum told us to leave and we ended up renting where we are - the best thing that ever happened to us because that changed our relationship significantly. Since then, things have only gotten better.
Now he is like a different man but I think a lot of that comes down to how I deal with him. I didn’t know before. He is still difficult but perhaps also with age, he has softened.
So now with this sale, I have nothing to hide and we are working together but my body reacts like there is and like we are not. Hence the shaking reactions. Trauma. Certain conversations trigger me, like the other day. I just want this to be done so we can move in and get on with things.
It’s probably no surprise that I cannot get pregnant. My body probably hates him.