rotten

avoidant attachment style?

never ended up finishing my makeup again, and i missed the last bus nr. 30 - the flipping laundry machine took forever to finish (that's what she saaaaid) and yeah. then a whole classfull on school children hopped on the same bus with me and honestly i would've preferred being under the bus, but i survived. and i was in luck; bus nr. 2 was late so i didn't have to walk from sori. i didn't attend the quiet reading group like i had planned, but instead just sat on the couch, like i often do. yeah i really should start being more productive there... i did attend in's group, but got nothing done there either. i ended up skipping the last hour of it and just hung out with sa in the kitchen and then on the couch with the group. o was back and that was nice; it really felt like something was missing when he was absent. i still feel like n hates me, which is unfortunate. j thought we'd hit it off but yeeeah it doesn't look like that's happening any time soon. i might be unconsciously trying too hard and he's finding me... well, pretty much just as annoying as i am, lol. s was fairly social today, and i managed to behave somewhat normally with them - i spent all my awkwardness and annoyance on n, i guess. perhaps that should be my chosen tactic from now on? perhaps that will help me achieve neutrality around s? seems unlikely though, they're way too ...everything, for that. dang it's exhausting & kinda enfuriating having a crush, if i could give it up i would, immediately. too bad that apparently is not how life works. boo, i say.

btw, when in another entry regarding this crush or whatever it is i wrote something in the lines of "at least they're a safe target" and felt relief - how very foolish of me. right after i hit "save entry" i saw this meme; here's the description that was pinned in it's comments:
"miss piggy from the muppets with her eyes open extremly wide. her expression reads as a mix of shock and/or rage. text reads: me when i realize that crushing on unavailable people is just our attachment wounding seeking out people that remind us of our emotionally unavailable parents so that we can maybe finally get the attention we deserved growing up", and ohh booooy. if that's what this is, i'm *certainly* screwed. and as i very, very rarely crush (or, again, whatever the hell this is) on anyone, i have no idea when i can expect this to pass, and i don't know whether or not i should restrain from going to the paja for that to happen. i also saw a video that i felt attacked by; in it a person says "are you really chill and easy-going in relationships OR are you used to not getting your needs met because you grew up in a family that never prioritized your experience so you learned that it was pointless to try and ask for what you wanted because nobody really gives a fuck so you kept all your feelings and opinions bottled up and learned how to rely on *yourself* for emotional support or maybe just dissociate or avoid feeling your feelings because there's no way you could actually trust someone and now if a partner or friend is like 'what do you need' you shut down because that feels incredibly uncomfortable so you seek out people that don't give a shit about you because at least that feels familiar?" and well, let's just insert another 'oh boy' here. not that anyone's asked me what i need, but y'know. the rest of it holds. i've been going down the rabbit hole about attachment styles and well, perhaps i shouldn't have. not until i can get my ass to therapy lmao. but! that video made me think of the time i went out with v for a while, and got anxious immediately after he admitted he had started to really like me, because i just... didn't feel anything for him. he bored me, but i mean? was that just because he's a nice, smart person who was *actually* into me, and i'm fucked? the things i found offputting about him i realize were kinda ridiculous, but i mean. my only requirement is to actually feel something, and i didn't, so. i don't know. people suggested that i should've kept seeing him and "wait it out" but that felt wrong too. ughh, relationships are tough. i'm glad i'm not in one, and don't plan to be any time soon. i should answer v though, he only recently asked me to hang out again. if only i knew what to answer! as friends i would be okay with that, but then again i have enough friends as it is and have been feeling rather unsocial lately, i can barely dig up the energy to see anyone but mi. and since we have been physical in the past i think i'd feel somewhat pressured to go back to that, and though i rarely mind kissing, cuddling or even sex pretty much no matter the person as long as i feel safe with them, i don't believe that's healthy and i do fear i'll one day "wake up" and realize i've harmed myself somehow by all of it, so. i'm trying to avoid getting myself into those situations. holy hell this is a long paragraph, moving on...

so it was a pretty good day at the paja, although unproductive. sa has come out of her shell and that's super sweet. n started some good conversations, s was being all cute and bubbly and we all embraced the many chances they set up for us to tease them. ju was as nice as she always is, i and so had our regular good time and it was really good to see jo too - i really like himmmm! and as i said, i enjoyed having o back. his friend m was especially sweet towards me today as well. buuuut eventually the creepy creeper dude showed up again, so. even though mum took w out and i could've for once spent the entire day at paja, i left before closing time, because i just couldn't handle being around that guy. my god was he annoying and exhausting again... anyway, i took the bus 19 to j & s's place, had s's pasta salad for dinner and played with the kids for a few hours. somehow those tiny creatures get cuter and cuter every single day, it's baffling! even if le was screaming bloody murder most of the time due to her teething, she was still being the cutest thing on planet earth. e was pretty tired after a whole day of tests and things, but she was still just really sweet and cuddly. i really gotta start visiting them more often, now that i'm finally starting to internalize the fact that they live here now - and not a five hour drive away still. hmmm it's about to be 6 am, i'm debating on whether to take a shower or just have a go with the dry shampoo. i think i might go for the shower, just for the sake of being awake anyway. i might wear lashes today too, i haven't in a while. might also do another load of laundry; i've already done two, and am ridiculously proud of that. i also sorted my clean clothes from the once-worn ones, just haven't gotten around to stuffing them into the closet yet. hey, maybe i'll do that now.