barefoot & barely lifelike
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2023-01-31 04:08:29 (UTC)

sweet people and all things love

peculiar sleep behaviour again - i came home before nine and was tired as fuck, around 9:40 i decided to just switch off the lights and go to sleep. i woke up and felt refreshed af... only to look at the time and see it was 11:20. i had slept for less than two hours, and i thought it was morning, that i had for once gotten a good night's sleep, because that's how i felt. it's absolutely ridiculous. i stayed up for a few hours and then slept for another, and now i don't think there's any more going-back-to-sleep -business happening tonight, so. here we find ourselves. i'm planning on maybe doing a few loads of laundry too, as that would also further my tidying-up endeavors. i made a list of things to do and after months of trying i've finally managed to start with gathering up all the plastic, glass, metal and cardboard trash and taking it out, as well as gathering cans & bottles to be taken back to the store - that's gonna happen tomorrow, as i need to buy some food and don't have any money otherwise lmao. thankfully tomorrow's the 1st again, so some financial support's gonna be on my way. i'm seriously super stressed out about my financial situation at the moment. it hasn't been this crappy in almost two years i think? it's super twisted that in this shitty world of capitalism and ridiculous labor laws and made up systems that only benefit the rich i still can't help but dream of a day when i'm well enough to get into the hamster wheel with others.

i'm almost exclusively getting britbox ads in between of my mobile gaming - so there's hugh grant kissing ben whishaw on my screen multiple times a day. that kinda makes me happy though, for some reason. weird. annnyway; i didn't take my meds before i went to bed, maybe that's why i ran out of sleep? who knows. we visited s and the girls today. yes "we", my mum's here! well, not herehere, not anymore. she went over at theirs as she's babysitting le tomorrow. they'd gotten a call today that they were supposed to have e's neuropsych evaluation week now - they've been waiting half a year for that only to never get the info about it happening. nobody knows if it's a problem in their dispatch system or if the post office f'd it up (could be either or, it's all shit in this country lmao) but no matter what, they'll be spending the rest of this week's days at the hospital from 9 to 2. yesterday mum and p were in some church event near here and then she texted me if i had any plans or if she could visit, and of course i didn't lmao, so she came over. we had some good talks and went to bed rather early - i slept a LOT last night, it was super lovely. i had already made plans with s so mum just came with. she was supposed to leave today but when we found out about s & j's situation and my mum's doctor's appointment tomorrow got canceled, she decided to stay to make life a tiny bit easier for s, as now she doesn't have to take a 1yo with her to spend a day at the hospital with her autistic 5yo who probs won't exactly be happy about all the testing and shit that's gonna happen. i was really tired after the day, but dangggg i love those kids! el is such a sweetheart, and in the end so easy to please - i went into her room and just stood there awkwardly, and she was beaming, haha. talked about it at dinner constantly, "auntie u came into my room to play with me, you came and played with me!" it's not that she's never played with but it's always so special to her, it's really sweet. i didn't even really play though, as she mostly just likes having people watch her play - she will include you if she wants to, but usually she just keeps to herself and does her own thing. this time peppa pig and her friends were napping at the daycare, so mega exciting shit, lol. le is such a fire cracker too, super sassy and always knows what she wants or at least what she *doesn't* want... can't wait until she starts talking, she's gonna be a hilarious sas queen, i'm sure.

okay the laundry would be done by now had i just put it in the machine - perhaps i'll go and do that before i continue. i should also brush my teeth, tastes like dog poo smell in my mouth, ewww yuck.

... so, that took me two hours. i went through all the clothes i had on the rack, on my kitchen stairs, in any of my bags - still had my weekend bag from new years' untouched, oops... i sorted all of my laundry except for beddings, now the machine's on and there's three different loads sorted and ready to go. now it's dark 30, next up is dark 40, then there's a load of lights and one of reds. then there's all the bedding, and the wooly socks, ugh okay maybe i won't think about all of it at once or i'm gonna jump from the balcony. oh how i wish i had a brain that wasn't this allergic to starting on chores. especially since i quite enjoy doing them actually, so it makes even less sense. adhd is a biiiitch. i might get some support for it though, if there's a service available that would suit my needs. the adhd rehab lady said she'd look into it - actually she said she was gonna turn every rock so that if there's anything i could apply for, she'll find it, haha. she really is super sweet. i mean it's literally her job, but y'know. having been in the treatment loop for so many years i don't take people doing their job and doing it well for granted. everyone who does is a special unicorn and i thank the universe for their existence. aww, w turned around and now her whole length is cuddled up against my thigh. another sweet thing - i've lost count on how many that is in this entry. sweet things everywhere, what is this!

i've been discussing falling in love with m2. she began by sending me a meme that read "when you're aromantic but actually you're really not but then virtually kinda yes but on the other hand you wouldn't wanna be but" and i replied with the word of the youngsters: mood. she then commented "and then i consume some nice romance media and fall into actively wanting die if i can't fall in love" and i said i could relate, that i'll probably be forever wondering if i'll ever love again after the mickey fiasco. she said she'd prefer having loved, crashed & burned to never falling in love, and i realized and said i actually agree. no matter how fucked everything got and was, and how much i hate the idea that it was a one time thing, i am glad to know i was able to experience that feeling, the feeling of being in love with someone, loving them as unconditionally as humanly possible. i'm not thrilled it was with someone who was a POS and treated me like one, but y'know. being so unattached to my feelings most of the time and struggling with such heavy amount of otherness it's ... nice. somehow. i guess. we talked about how fucked it is that in our core we both despise how this world has set romantic love on a pedestal, how it's supposedly above everything else and so so so different compared to any other kinda love and how romantic relationships go so much beyond all the other relationships for what it comes to importance - yet it's still something we crave. i'm not sure i crave it on the same level as she does though, i'm quite content with how things are (or maybe i've just given up, it's tough to say). i also said i hate how i know it's mostly something i/we have 'bought' from church, a sign of their propaganda working on us. part of the church's message has always been that the main goal in life, at least for women, is to find love; or at least a husband, to get married. everything they teach screams how they think life only really begins after you're married. i don't think i ever wanna get married, and i'm 99% sure i don't want kids, yet stillllll there's a lot of this crap i have internalized. i think a part of it is rebellion; i recognize the need to "show them" that the feeling i always had in church, the 'i'll never have that because i'm not a right kind of a woman, i don't deserve it' -one, isn't true. a part of me wants to 'prove them wrong' even though a (bigger) part of me still believes it's true; that i'm not qualified. i definitely have a need to compensate for things i feel like i always lacked, even if most of the time it's not conscious. it's something i recognize in my thought patterns, in my actions, especially ones based on my insecurities. it's wild how far and deep the church's influence goes - super disturbing, really. ohh britney how much i really would need therapy...

needing someone to love romantically also made me think of my grandma. i think she's been on her own ever since her husband was killed years and years ago. i think h said she once dated somebody for a bit, but it never went anywhere because she is and was too traditional to allow it. she married for life and i guess not just his life, but hers. it's pretty sad when you think about it, even if i don't think one'd need a romantic life partner in order to live a happy and fulfilling life. i also realized i hadn't really thought about her as someone who's husband was killed - i've always just thought about that murder as a big reason why my dad's so messed up; because that was his dad. i never really thought about how it was gran's husband as well. i mean i believe they might've been better off without him, him having been the kind of man he was, but ofcourse it's gotta be traumatizing as hell anyway, having someone so close to you killed. hell, i even think it's been traumatizing for me too and i don't even remember whether i was alive yet or not when it happened. it's mostly generational trauma though, i think. ugh, idk. but! talking about my dad - mom said h told her he's still in the rehab facility, but has learned to walk with crutches AND has been sober AND not smoking for over three weeks now! that's mind blowing for me. h had visited him with a, and had said he looked hella fresh. it's hard to imagine him sober and not smoking (of course he's using nicotine patches and shit but STILL), or at least super nervous about being sober. i think he's only been sober for like half a day at a time in the past ... idk, it's probably been over 15 years? i really hope this could be the start of something better for him, but - and i feel suuuper shitty saying this - i'm skeptical, and pretty sure he'll fall right back into old habits once he gets home. and i mean i wouldn't/don't/won't blame him, i know addiction's not a simple issue, i don't take it lightly. there is hope though, and just the fact that he's made it through these three weeks is m a j o r. i'm so proud of him. i really should call him, huh? maybe i could even visit him, if not this weekend, then on the 18th. i have to plan it. this weekend we have the cousin meetup, but i'll write more about that another time. now i gotta go and start doing my makeup, it's just a bit over an hour until i need to be on the bus stop.