The Dairy Of Oblivion
Tus les mêmes
All The same. All of them are the same. Filthy, deceptive whores. A year ago I met somebody. Somebody whom I loved from the first sight. When we met I felt like I’ve known her for ages, i don’t think I’ve ever felt like that around somebody lol. But after some time she just left me, without a word or any explanation. Months passed and I’ve met another person. From the beginning everything was perfect, we got along excellent and I even began to think we’re something like soulmates. Not much time has passed until I began catching feelings for them. Oh, how I denied it, how I provided myself it’s not love I can’t go through it again. But such a naive idiot like me couldn’t help but fall for the “most perfect person they met in their life” oh how wrong I was. After a month of talking our friendship was taken to another level, no it wasn’t 100% a relationship now, he told all we can be is “half-friendship half-relationship” I never understood the reason of that, I never understood what exactly is this all relationship thing about but I hadn’t cared at that point. I was happy to be this close to the person I loved, meanwhile thinking it’s the most similar to a relationship thing I’ll ever be in. Never confessed tho. 5 months of knowing each other, suddenly after so much time spent together he started acting differently. We barely talked and when we did they gave me clear sights that they don’t want to speak with me. I don’t even remember how long it lasted? A week? Maybe two? But I was so stressed at that time. Terrified I’ll do something wrong and all that happens is my fault. He didnt even care enough to explain what the fuck is the matter until I got fed up and told him how bad he treats me. Surprisingly that worked, I learned that he can’t feel love anymore and somehow it affected our relation. How I was supposed to feel back then? Loving somebody for so long, having so much memories with them remembering every single thing they said that sounded, well “romantic” staying up all night only to think of how I can change for him to love me or what does this relation mean to him only to find out he’ll never ever love me back. Okay, I accepted the truth, people can’t change how they feel. Everything went almost good for another month. Then again things had to fuck up, but far worse. They randomly started ghosting me then texting back after 3 hours explaining that his mother pissed him off and he didn’t want to text. It’s okey but what’s so difficult about just letting me know what’s the situation? I was ghosted and left out by the person I loved in the past, it repeating is the last thing I want rn. Then we started arguing. Because I couldn’t take this mf ignoring me and spiting in my face every time I wanted to talk, almost every text from them was “ok” “stfu” without any good reason. I found out how my personality annoys them. The personality I shaped specially for them. We stopped talking for 3 days I think then reconciled. For 1 week? everything was almost fine again. Then we started to grow apart. I couldn’t find strength to text with him, I was too afraid that I’ll fuck up again. I planned on changing, my ways and myself but no matter how I tried it never worked. And yesterday, after at least 3 weeks of being ignored, crying when coming back from school because of jealousy and barely texting, when that mf decided playing games is more important that me and ignored me for 2 fucking hours I just snapped. I told him everything, how I miss him and how I feel we grew apart so much and how jealous I feel when I see him at school happy with his “bff” all he could do is dry text me. I confessed I feel like he’ll be better off without me and all he responded was “whatever”. Yes, he also explained they’re not feeling the best now but my god so many times I felt like shit but still supported him when it was necessary. I think something died inside of me last night. I feel like I don’t care about this relationship but I know deep down that I do. And that’s the worst part. He turned my life upside down only to half-leave without a reason. Just like the first one. Just like that bitch I loved year ago. All the same.