Amber's ramblings
2023-01-30 02:57:22 (UTC)

29/01 30/01

Have you ever been told you are useless? Have you ever been told you're a waste of space? Have you ever been told you're a worthless waste of space who was a mistake? I was told that at least once a week the whole time I was growing up. Can you imagine what that does to child. No wonder I've got mental health issues now. My parents used to tell me they would put me into care if I didn't comply with their rules. At the age of 13 I was so done with everything I put myself in care. I went into a children's home where I was bullied and attacked a lot. But it was still better than being at home.

A few years ago my mum even told me that when she was pregnant with me she wanted an abortion. What kind of bullshit is that to tell your child.

This is the kind of shit that keeps me awake at night.

He has threatened me a couple of times. He said he would leave me if I did certain things. Like if I did drugs again he would leave me. Things like that. He needs to be careful because I've been putting up with that all my life and I will walk away from him if he threatens it again. I'm an adult now. I'm not going to put up with it anymore. I know I was unwanted by my parents. When I was little it was my oldest sister who looked after me the most. My parents couldn't be bothered with me. They never came to school events. Sports day, parents evening, plays. They never came. I was sad when they both died but I don't miss the negative nasty things they said. I'm waiting for therapy because of them. I've got about another year to wait. Can't believe it's taking this long. But when I was living in Wales I waited 10 years for counselling to be told that the psychiatrist didn't even put me in for it. I'm living back in England now and I've been on the waiting list a year and was told it could be up to 2 years. So hopefully things will get started soon.

My childhood was rough. Not just with my parents but other family members. I can't go into details here yet. I'm not ready. I am ready to face what happened and talk it over with a counsellor. Just not ready to share it here.

So I'll paste a smile on my face and deal with the world like I always have. No one has ever looked past the fake smile. My eyes don't lie and no one has ever noticed. I feel like I have no one to talk to. My friends all have their own shit going on and I can't tell them about him because they don't think he's good enough for me and they don't like him. And as for the other stuff I don't want people knowing.