barefoot & barely lifelike
first things first: i love bo burnham. ok now that that's cleared up, let's move on...
i had a pretty good morning. got no sleep but still somehow managed to get up a bit too late lmao - took a shower anyway, drew on a pair of eyebrows, got dressed, took w out and then grabbed the last 30 & walked from sori again. i opted for running tights and a longer, collared shirt. thought i'd do my makeup when i got to the paja, but i never ended up doing it. i saw j go in just a moment before me and when i got in she, a, s and the interns were hanging out in the lounge. s was playing their guitar, a had too much energy and was all over the place, and i almost acted like a normal person - not quite, but i did manage to hold a normal-person's-eye-contact with s a few times, so that's ...improvement, i guess. i read sa's entry in the friendship book and then just sat there drinking my coffee quietly while the others discussed things i don't have any experience with; tattoos getting infected, horror movies (new ones - i've seen most of the old classics and *because* i saw them when i was way too young i no longer watch any), 'game of thrones' and whatever. i had a good talk with so; i really like her. we have a lot in common and the conversation tends to flow nicely. another person i wish i could be friends with outside of the paja too, but idk how it works. shouldn't be a problem after her internship's done, right? maybe i'll talk to her about it, ask if she has an insta acc i could follow or something. with he i don't click that well, but i think that's because she's so much younger. she is really sweet, though! and a very talented artist, i saw some of her paintings - she recently had an exhibition somewhere so there are a lot of pics - and i really liked them.
they - idk which one/ones of the employees - had a talk with the creeper dude today. it's really nice they reacted so quickly and took care of it right away. m wasn't even in today but it was still she who messaged me the talk had happened. j said that when she got in this morning she clearly interrupted the employees discussing the case, so i assume m shared my message with the whole team. i suspect that wasn't done anonymously as everyone was extra nice to me today, or at least v, a and ha were. especially v, though that might've been because i mentioned the pppt. the creep himself took long and weird looks at me too, but i hope no one said anything about me to him - i don't think so though, since wouldn't that be kinda risky? i trust the team has enough brains to not have mentioned any names, mine or n's. they may have used the death threat as an example though, and that way he might suspect me, if he remembers anything he's said. i wouldn't count on that; he seems to be quite spaced out most of the time. i will continue avoiding him like the plague though, but i hope he'll be less creepy going forward. i mean i do hope he gets the help he needs, but because i'm a selfish dick i also hope he'd get that help elsewhere and start coming in less. he just gives me the creeps and makes me feel suuuper uneasy, besides triggering my dissociation symptoms, being so incoherent and, idk. weird all the time. i don't think i'd do very well with people in psychosis - ok, i *know* i wouldn't, i discovered that when i was hospitalized, but y'know. at least i know not to plan a career in psychiatrics.
so, i had my first pppt appointment today. i left a bit late and only had one journey left on my bus card so i pretty much ran there... took me 20 minutes both ways, luckily on my way back to paja i didn't have to run lol. the appointment went well, the therapist seems really nice and competent! she was a woman in i wanna saaay her late fourties, maybe? we discussed all the different kinds of exercises that can be included, and then went through my ...issues, haha. she was frowning kinda lot and even said "ohh, there's more?" at one point (afer i had gone through quite a long list of diagnosis' already and then brought up ocd). she said i might very well be qualified for the imr and hell, i sure hope so! she asked me to try and do some progressively relaxing breathing exercises every night for 1-3 weeks, just to try it out. i promised i'd try, but also mentioned that for me, routines are impossible to maintain, and have always been. the second appointment's gonna be next friday, she said we could try if a massage would help me stay regulated. she also mentioned the neurosonic chair / -mattress and that i should be able to book some time with it, either before or after our appointments, and i'm looking forward to getting back into routine with that. i don't know if it actually does anything for me but i enjoy it nonetheless. when the pppt called me on wednesday, she said her job contract was only valid until the end of february, but when we met she had already received at least a month's extension. which is nice, takes the pressure off a little bit; we'll probs be able to do the whole evaluation together even if one of us fell ill at some point etc. all in all, i'm excited for the upcoming appointments - it's the most hope i've ever had about perhaps one day being able to manage my dissociation better.