Love, life and loss
2023-01-28 20:58:31 (UTC)


Fucking arghhhh
Want to shout
Or scream
Feeling every emotion that I feel like I'm going to burst

I feel so stressed
So fucking sad
But so scared

Last week at start of the week I felt rough after my counselling assessment
I struggled
But decided I needed to try hard and get through and I did
Wednesday at work was ok, I laughed, smiled, helped others, but didnt do what I needed to do for me. I missed my hospital appt for something at work that didnt go ahead
It made it easier to get out of going but I know I need to
Thursday was ok
Friday at work was ok. Focussed on work, a few laugh with friends at work, I was ok
I hadnt realised but Ryan had tagged me in a status about life being pointless without me. Someone at work told me and I got my back up as I thought he was calling me pointless and my heart sunk until someone showed me the words
I wasnt sure how to feel
I took some toil but couldnt go home early where I'm not wanted so just did some work from my car, drove some more, floated around in my car for another couple of hours

And stopped to talk to ryan who said he had realised he wanted to be with me more than he wanted to be a dad. I refused to talk to him at first but then I did. We both got upset. It was so so so good to hear his voice and him tell me he still loves me. I miss him and I knew I missed him but I tried to tell myself I was fine. That's the only time on 14 years that weve gone 4 weeks without seeing each other and barely speaking
My heart was broken but I had to let him do what he wanted and that was for him to be a dad and adopt
Although I was sad and angry, hes still my friend and I wanted to see him happy
Yesterdays conversation confused me but made me happy

Then I spoke to an amazing friend from work and cried st her. Felt like such a dick as a fully grown adult needing relationship advice. Sharing personal stuff about Ryan with her. I dont care about me she knows most things, but felt guilty talking about him. She never judges or not to my face and she doesnt know Ryan which makes it easier than talking to my other friends who are friends with him and I cant be honest
I waste so much of her time and always feel guilty about that too she says she doesnt mind but I never know if shes just too nice to be honest and tell me to fuck off

I want to be with ryan, he makes me so so happy and is so so supportive, I love every moment with him whether that's chilling at home with a cuppa, slobbing around in pjs, out for dinner, out for days our or activities, just speaking on the phone for hours when one of us is bored driving right down to hearing his voice when he phones to ask if we need milk picking up when he pays for diesel. The silly things. Theres never been a single thing about him that I've disliked... until we lost Erin
Theres no secrets with ryan, he supported me through transplant both whilst raz was there and after he went back to work. Hes seen me braless in hospital gowns with paper pants on. Hes seen my with chests hanging out my chest and tubes down my throat and nose
Hes seen me throw up over and over and held my hair when I was going through treatment
Hes seen me through many operations after that
He supported me through losing raz and Isla even when he was devastated at losing raz too. We supported each other
Weve had so many day trips, hes an amazing uncle to my niece and nephew and I really did see him being in my life forever, whether as an amazing partner or as a friend. He makes my heart feel full
But then we lost Erin and everything fell apart
And after yesterday I was so happy he said what he did
But then I felt terrified
Scared that being with him would be a constant reminder of Erin and our loss
Means a move back into the house where Erin's stuff is
This morning I decided it meant I have to tell him the reality of my health and that I need to make a fight or give in decision
I was scared to upset him with my health
But I couldnt lie to him
He needed to know
And I would love his support but I didnt expect that
So we had that conversation earlier

Ive told him not to make any quick decisions
Told him to think about the possibility of losing me or me not being me for a few months if I choose to fight
That he needs to decide what he wants not what he thinks I want or need
He cried. He got angry. He smashed a plate throwing it at the floor
Told me how unfair life is and that hes not prepared to lose me and will support me whether thats together or as a friend
He knows that being a dad is off the cards if he chooses to be with me which he was devastated about but be understood

Then my manager called me and I was already upset, she kept asking what was wrong and I refused to tell her. We then talked about her for a while and I ended up getting upset even more

I'm now sitting at home wondering whether to drive and see my girls but wont get here until 10.15 and closes at 11
And its cold and I'm shaky and dizzy

Today I'm missing Erin
I miss isla too
But today its Erin thats making my heart hurt
I just snuggled her baby gro and vest and put it back under my pillow and I've not needed to do that for a week
I can remember how she felt in my arms, how she looked
How I felt when she was taken away from me
I tried to fall asleep as I cant keep my eyes open but woke up crying with the same flash backs i had before
I dont know how to do this anymore

Some days are harder than others and today is a hard day
I feel dizzy and weak and sick
My eyes are blurry and I miss erin
I'm leaving Ryan to consider his options even though hes told me what he wants even after todays conversation
I went to message sam but it's a Saturday night and she will probably be enjoying her evening with her family or a drink
I went to message hayley but remembered shes at a wedding reception

This whole situation has always made me sad emotional want to cry and cry more
But tonight I want to fucking scream
And scream again

And to top it off this week or next would have been my last at work. its 16 days until my c section date when Erin would have been born and made my life completed

13th feb can fuck off already

Now it's too late to go to spend time with my girls as it'll be 10.40 by time I get there now ice taken ages doing this
So i dontknow what to do with myself
Cant eat
Cant sleep
Cant message anyone
Feel sick and dizzy and just want to scream !!!!!

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