rotten

rebel beat

the title is a mf'ing banger by goo goo dolls. it's been my theme song today - it's a tad too positive, but i mean i did something useful and rather brave today. first of all, i was on time for the creative writing. took the last 30 and walked from sori. only one other person attended the group with me, but it was fine. we did five minutes of morning pages and then two other writing exercises. the intern who's usually in charge of the group wasn't there so an filled in for her, which was really nice. we ended up chatting one-on-one for like half an hour after the group was done; she repeatedly reminded me about the fact that the whole reason they're there is for us visitors, that no matter what they're doing, even if their doors are closed, you can always knock. she assured me no task is more important than my need for a chat. warmed my heart, she's an absolute sweetheart; just like the rest of the employees. they truly are such amazing people. s was funny and bit of a goof today, h mentioned my 'christmas gift' (that he had found it, re-read it and been encouraged by it again) and thanked me for it the second time, which was way less uncomfortable than it was the first time. i must be growing up! oh, talking about growing up. i texted m about one other visitor today, because that guy is hella creepy and unnerving. i've disliked him from the beginning and we've discussed it with j, and today was just the right time. i think mine and a's morning conversation played a part, but the real catalyst was when in messaged me and asked if i'd join her for a cup of coffee - she's been ill this week and i had encouraged her to hit me up in case she needed anything (company, a ride, whatever) so now she did. made me so happy! we wen't for cinnamon rolls and talked about our lives, and she mentioned this one guy giving her the creeps when she visited the paja last week. of course it was the same guy me and j loathe, ehh. he really is the only one who's not only 'kinda irritating' but full on distressing... so when i got home and j told me n had messaged m about him, i decided to do the same. the guy really triggers my dissociation and depersonalization tendencies, and his behaviour is not healthy in any way. there's also the death threat he let slip last week that didn't feel like a joke - and not only because i don't fucking know the guy. m took my concerns super seriously and her answer was amazing. j and in both told me they were proud of me, and i guess i'm proud of me too. it's not every day that i allow people to do their own jobs! lmao.

no but really. that guy is always trauma dumping in the common spaces, he uses super graphic language discussing his diagnosis', meds and treatment, he has some very fucked up comments about others and their lives, his humour is not funny in any way and he's just... unpredictable, unstable and plain weird. i mean we're all insane there, but he's different - i personally think he might benefit from hospitalization at the moment, if i'm being completely honest. there aren't that many people i'd feel as uneasy being around, and that... that's saying something. i texted m that my feeling of unsafety gets easily triggered by him, and that i do realize it's *my* problem 1st and i can always just avoid him, but that perhaps someone should take action for what it comes to him too. then i explained his behaviour and mentioned the death threat "joke", said i don't feel safe enough around him to point out his crap to him. and that obviously i can only talk for myself but that i've been noticing others getting uncomfortable around the guy as well. she promised they'd take care of it, as is their job, lmao. it's weird how i felt like i just had to suck it up and take it, handle it by avoiding being in a room with him etc. i think this was good practice, allowing others to worry about a space that should be safe for me being *actually* safe for me. maybe it's not healthy to receive casual death threats and just go "yeah it gave me some anxiety so i dragged my ass to another room" lmao - his behaviour is inappropriate and not okay. nobody should have to suck it up and listen to his crap. i don't think he's physically dangerous to anyone but perhaps himself, but everyone who visits the paja is somehow fragile for what it comes to mental health, so. yeah. i'm glad m promised they'd take care of it.

so the day started nicely, the quick bus ride and a short walk to paja, some creative writing, putting on my makeup while chatting to a. then my gal m called me crying because the health care system sucks ass - we talked for quite a while. the movie group watched 'spirited away' today; i stayed until chihiro left the boiler room, then i had my lunch (and a talk with h) and then i went out for coffee with in. we returned to the paja for another hour or so, and then i left because mi asked me to come rusta-shopping with her - lmao @ us and our wiiiild asf hang out plans, haha. i was lucky with the buses, and when i got home we took w out. she was such a pain, again, and also acted really hurt when she realized i was gonna leave her again. i still did though, and me and mi walked to rusta. i bought a new couch pillow and another case for it, some muesli bars and a 50 cm tall stuffed peppa pig for our e's bday in may. after i got back i haven't been doing anything, except for that text. chatted to j, in and mr. a for a bit, been listening to music. nothing special. i should take w out and try to get some sleep; i'm hoping to get up early enough to take a shower before going to the paja. i'll need to choose tomorrow's clothes carefully as it's apparently gonna be cold as hell but i also have the pppt appointment, so it must be something comfortable, i think. damn i hope that'll be good and the pppt as nice as she sounded like on the phone!

ps why do i never proof read anything anymore? i know i'll go crazy if i ever re-read these entries, but... yolo, i guess?