༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
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2023-01-26 04:23:00 (UTC)


the future is before us
I can see it mouth watering
licking my lips for the meal...still cooking
fried chicken boiling in oil

yum, yum
but I'm not dumb
daddy wants a war

it must be times three
the apocalypse is upon us
those who are awake, heed

rising through the ranks is technology
intelligence is shining through all the races
it's a space race to define and refine us

mixed up feelings get in the way
but it's all about evolving in the power play
control is needed, self control heeded
but some have other minded ideology and energies

we're dealing with things at a minute level and at a grand scale

did you know going to space can change your DNA?

back to the things at hand
language is a peculiar thing it's all about the spirit behind the words
as to how they will fall on a persons soul
the dialect I speak is coded across the board

it's not bragging it's just true

I am as I am I can be no one else
I am always willing to alter myself according to my understanding
or on occasion when presented with evidence that is contrary to my previous beliefs

it hurts sometimes...growing pains

wisdom is bitter truths some times coated with honey
so my mind can taste its goodness

riders ride... you're not what I expected but I identify with pride

I have done my exercises again today
The TED and DBT
Learning to ask “WHAT” in the place of “WHY”
Made sense

I understand I have guarded myself up tight
It’s a defense mechanism
A personality that’s taken over to protect me
My therapist and I decided we are going to switch up my sessions
Instead of trying to dig the personalities out….
We are going to start with downward up
In other words
Start with how my body feels and reacts to things and start there
There are root trauma feelings I have stuffed
Or my personalities have
I have the will to want to understand
I have the will to continue to become more whole, complete
I’m self sufficient so don’t need that work
I’m not co dependent so don’t need that work
I have this craving to understand myself
I have this craving to accept myself
I have this craving to believe myself
All in time
I’m going to continue to put in the hard work

Narcissist went back to the usual silent treatment not 30 minutes after he left his depressive messages
See, this is why I stay clear

I discussed with my therapist my ideas of being finished when my kid leaves the nest
He suggested I just put that thought on the back burner
Continue my path the next three years
And revisit it in those three years
That’s the future
Not the present
I can not control anything but my present

I read something on here that I want to voice
We all make mistakes in life
It’s a learning process
Things might look as if it’s hopeless at the moment
But I’m proud to see the truth of hurt and pain from actions done
Look at it as a stepping stone
Something to learn from
You never know….
Years later you may get another chance
If not you will have a fresh start elsewhere
The key is to not repeat the same mistake/s

Took me 30 plus years to learn that
Why I’m single
Why I chose to live alone
I’m not ready nor strong enough to have the confidence of history not repeating itself

People come in and out of our lives for different reasons
Sometimes we will never know why or what that reason is
I look at “daddy” being removed as a sign that he slipped on his journey
Or he didn’t like the progress I am doing

I can say the narcissist doesn’t like my progress
Means he’s not in control
He knows eventually,
He will lose me completely
There will be no friendship

RiverMan will eventually be where he needs to be as well
I have no clue on that situation
It’s just a friendship in my mind
Like everyone
Maybe I’m just here to give him hope till the right one enters his life

I have no clue on how the future will go
I only know I can only control my thoughts and my feelings

I have no desire to have that true solid love at the moment
I want the personal love within myself for myself

I’m getting there

I went to bed early last night
By 10
Slept till around 3
Then was coughing and tossing and turning
So said screw it and got up
I can sleep today if need be
I finished an exercise on CHESS app
I do have three zoom meetings today
Not certain I want to attend but said I would continue to try

Wednesdays are a bear
And physically
I’m always under water on Thursday’s
I push myself so hard on Wednesdays
The fact I let someone come here was a success in itself
But hella challenging
Also the 2 1/2 hour treatment plan questions
Not having a trusting bond with Jess was something I struggled with
She’s young
Has good intentions
But I don’t have that trust with her
My last two case managers were disastrous
All things that hinder my progress in trusting someone new

I feel physically exhausted
I feel mentally exhausted
Not just the RSV that’s kicking my ass
But weather plays a factor
My disability plays a factor
My over doing it plays a factor

I’ve sucked down 3 cups of coffee
And am having difficulty holding my eyes open
So going to have Sam wake me up at 630
And see if I can get another hour of sleep or more

Till later…..

⚘ Love 🌹Alice🌹
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