A lifetime of pain and healing
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2023-01-26 02:41:07 (UTC)

So I failed my final test for ..

So I failed my final test for class. I immediately told myself "if you don't finish anything you can't fail." I've thought on this for a few days. The only thing I ever finished was high school. I feel like I have a fear of failure that apparently runs pretty deep. Failing that test felt like an I told you so from my family. I spent a few years in therapy thinking I was healed from a lot of trauma that I went through. My decisions say otherwise honestly. Hindsight is 20/20. I never seem to see things as they are when it is happening but when I look back it's like I see everything I overlooked or ignored. My negative feelings feel so intense sometimes. I have learned to stop in the moment and ask myself why I'm feeling the way I feel or thinking things I'm thinking. I spent so long trying to create a better version of myself only to find I simply masked certain parts of myself. I have thought about going back to therapy. Like seriously considered it. I know when spring and summer get here I'll be as if none of this ever happened. Which is also a strange feeling. Once again I'll find myself looking back and calling myself an idiot for my thoughts and behaviors. I just feel like dumping my whole life and starting over again. I have also realized I can't handle rejection of any kind. It feels as if I'm being cut in half. Super intense. I'm not sure I could really begin to describe it. It's like a kick to the soul. I do act like I don't care on the surface but as soon as I'm alone it's a full on emotional meltdown. I remember when I had a friend in high school and she told me she didn't like me and was only friends with me because she wanted to date my brother. I remember I completely lost my mind. I blacked out and I was crying and hyperventilating. I felt as if I had came out of my body. I had to be held down and I remember my mom's ex boyfriend sitting on me to hold me down. Afterwards I went to my room crying and fell asleep and I slept for hours. I had been friends with her for 6 years. Like best friends some would say. She was in a grade lower than me but she was older than me.. She later stole money from my mom before she left to go home. I haven't spoke to her after that. She was one of the only friends I had. If you could really call it that. She had only come over a couple times and we would see each other at school here and there. Years and years later I have never gotten that close to anyone else. I always feel like a stepping stone for other people. I definitely feel like there is an alternative reason. I realize I still hold onto that feeling and don't trust people that well. So I'd say it's safe to say she wasn't really my friend. I know in therapy they say to let things go and move on. I get a lot of moments where I'll think I have but I deeply feel that some of the things that's happened to me and made me feel certain ways have been embedded into my soul and are like deep scars. I simply don't know how to rid myself of it. I feel I may be permanently damaged. I have looked at the relationships I do have and as broken and messed up as they are I can't seem to remove myself. I feel like at least I have something and if I remove myself what if I never find love or family again.