༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies

2023-01-25 20:16:00 (UTC)

L♥️VE

will you see me no more?

I
like vapor
will rise and dissipate on the winds
as incense
not incensed
I still love
I ache in the eternal mist

I am me,
Goddess no more
I don't seek adoration
I don't look for a throne
I desire true love

even,
it hurts,
this growth
I am evolving
a cosmic need prods me on
a deep greed
and I realize
I have to have you,
in my life

it hurts
this need
I don't want to want you
but I do
you are
immortal
you are my love

I am both
masochistic and Sadistic
I am
faithful and chaste of nature
in the deep ache
I keen
for days gone past
then rises the anger
and I am hardened
inside to my lover

you are the faithful
ever present being I seek
early in the morning and late at night
if you will
I exile,
I will

wilting
in the eternal void
until I hunger
with lust of enough
to greet you

What a productive day
A busy day
I was very open and spoke well during my sessions today
I admitted that the groups I’ve been attending have not helped
I spoke of issues I’m struggling with
I was open to trying different groups elsewhere
But will continue to try where I’m at till new ones open
I completed a 2 hour goal and treatment interview
Was honest in everything I answered

Copper finally showed up
Late
But we went to lunch
I ended up eating 2 eggs, 2 sausage, 2 bacon, 2 French toast
Sadly
By the time I returned home
I was exhausted
Feeling nauseous
And still had to run to town
Despite the ice and snow on the roads
To get the angel from chess club

I seriously am not feeling well at all
I feel like I’m dying
I’m going to grab a C19 test
If it’s negative
Then it’s the RSV my kid had
I will grab Thera Flu if need be

I received a voicemail from narcissist
Saying in a weird depressed voice
That he loves me
I of course blew it off
Something must be causing issues in his life
Lately he’s been trying to call me more
Which is odd
I think he’s wanting to try us again
I’m not really ready to be honest
I want to continue to focus on me
I don’t want the negativity to creep back into my life
He never had anything positive to say about me
I don’t care to sit here while being yelled at
Belittled
He’s not changed
He’s just outa weed
He knows I’m loaded
He thinks I want to hear what he says
The truth is…..
His words mean nothing to me

Candyman and I still chatted off and on today
I was nervous about them reading some of my entries
I didn’t want anything triggered
But
My journal is just that
It’s open
Anyone can read
And I can’t worry about what I say
I have to continue to write from my heart as I normally do
Guess I’m nervous about something happening and losing this new found bond

‘Daddy’ came to mind again today
Still nothing
Still hurts
Still don’t understand what happened
Again…..
Another person to walk with no words
CJ did it as well
Daddy and i however go further back and more personal
I’m not going to try and call
I just am saying he has been on my mind

Skater sent a message saying I look tired
But white looks hella good on me
I chuckled and said thank you

Anyway
I’m not feeling well
My head is slipping into a darkness
I’m exhausted as all hell
I literally feel sick

So going to lay down

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