rotten

things are finally happening

i should eat but i'm glued to my bed, so i'm gonna write this instead - maybe it'll ground me enough to get over the adhd paralysis. last night i slept, for like five hours! it might be my record this year, which is tragic. i was at mi's place in the evening; we had our hair cut parteeh and i swear i dozed off a few times while she was cutting mine, i was so so so tired. i also went in and out of consciousness on the sofa while she was cooking, i have no idea how long that took her lol (the food was delicious and something i would never be able to come up with, i can't even explain what it was but like ... a stew? with halloumi cheese and veggies and idek but i loved it). when i came home i took w out, washed my face and my teeth and went straight to bed - and fell asleep!! before 11! it was magical. only lasted for four-ish hours though, i was kinda frustrated when i woke up but then i got another hour in later, so it was okay. i wish my body allowed me to sleep for longer periods. it's like "i thought the 'falling asleep' part was supposed to be the problem, what are these 2-4 hour sleeps bod, huh, huh?!" maybe i should be shouting at my brain instead of my body but y'know i'm sure they're in it together so they both deserve it, damn it. anyway, my hair is hella shorter now. feels fresh and definitely healthier, so that's nice. i take cutting someone else's hair waaay too seriously, especially with mi who just doesn't really care lmao, but this time it was so tired i was actually kinda scared. it turned out okay, although i think i should've cut more - last time i ended up taking a bit too much and she was pretty taken aback by the finished result at first, so i wanted to be super careful. better safe than sorry, right? i told her i would cut more another day if she wanted me to, but she texted me today that she thinks it's actually perfect, so. yay. i can't say the same about my hair, but that has nothing to do with her; i think the last time i dyed it the colour didn't really stick and now my roots are just weird looking... but it's okay, for now. next time i get money i'll try and do something about it.

the adhd rehab follow-up was yesteday, and i also had a talk with one of the paja's employees. both were so so good! and rough, too. i went to paja in the morning and walked to my appointment, like i had planned. when i left home it was -1'C and snowing, but in the few hours i lied on the couch the weather had changed; it was 2'C and one fucking nasty slushie fest by the time i left. my shoes leaked and that made me kinda crabby, but i think it worked in my advantage. that negative emotion pushed me to be honest about my situation, and the adhd coach was really nice, like she always is. she made me fill a BDI21 form and i .. i can't remember if i got 43 or 41 points, but either way that's like double the amount i've gotten in years (my previous doc used to have me fill one out every time i visited). my reaction was pretty much "oh wow, would you look at that" lmao. i think i really have not realized how bad it's been lately. i've been conditioned to think "i'm doing just fine" because for a few years now it's been so much - well, *less bad*, than it used to be. it's all relative, y'know? i mean i am glad it still is different now, that even though it's bad again, it's different kind of bad. this bad doesn't feel quite as hard as the old kinda bad, if that makes any sense, haha. probably doesn't, but either way. i think what i mean is i prefer depression to anxiety. of course i still have anxiety, every day, but it's just that - the everyday kind, not the overwhelming all-consuming hell it used to be. now i'm "just" exhausted, slothful, disinterested. lethargic. and dissociating a lot, like A LOT a lot. the person i met up with promised to contact me next month as i still have one follow-up left and we couldn't yet decide what'd be the best timing for it.

when i got back to the paja i went to talk to m about the valentine's day planning, but she started by asking how i was doing ... so, yeah. i cracked. she said she'd noticed i wasn't doing great, which i appreciate. i know i tend to mask a lot, like literally everything all of the time, so it makes me feel safe to know there's at least one person there who's able to see through it. we discussed how it's been going and why i go there even on days when i haven't been sleeping, and she seemed really worried. she encouraged me to contact the clinic and promised we'd do it together today if i didn't get it done on my own. she's very kind and understanding, and that was surprisingly difficult for me - i think it's because the place is still relatively new to me, and i've yet to completely come to terms with the fact that i'm no longer "doing fine". i know it's their job being around for us, but the whole not-wanting-to-be-a-burden is strong with this one, heh. i talked about things in my usual, casual manner, but something about m and the look she was giving me made me shed a few tears in the end of my 'rant'. only a few though, didn't even mess up my make-up - so yeah, still not exactly in touch with my feelings, i guess. i wish i was better at receving advice, but it almost always just makes me annoyed. it's probably because most of the time it's not that i didn't know what i should do, it's just that i still ... can not. it's hard to get myself to do the things i know would be good, the things i know i should do. and that's the most frustrating part about my life and my adhd in particular, so it irks me when i'm given advice. it's the whole i-hate-when-people-point-out-the-obvious thing, and the feeling of oh-god-i-know-it's-not-like-i-don't-have-a-brain. a "nice" mixture of pride and trauma, i think. not my favorite thing, i gotta admit.

the clinic has a call-back service, so i called in there. at first i got a call from the psychophysical physiotherapist - fucking finally! - and i wasn't sure if anyone else was gonna call back or if that was it, but later on another person called me. the pppt asked me if i was able to start right away and come in once a week, and i said yes. apparently she'll be changing jobs in the end of february, so this was the only way she's able to take me in for the evaluation. i'm excited and a little nervous about it, but she sounded really nice on the phone and said that if i find the therapy helpful i can apply to get more of it as 'intensive medical rehabilitation'. my first appointment will be on friday, so we'll see. i'm trying not to get my hopes up too high, but i've heard good things - not that anyone i know has as intense dissociation issues as i do, but i mean. at least there is some hope. and it's taken almost a year since my neuropsychiatrist said he'd like to have me evaluated, so. it's good that it's finally happening. the other call i got was a psychiatric nurse, and she sounded just as nice as the pppt, albeit a tad weirded out by my casual tone when the shit was as serious as it was. but i told her i haven't been sleeping and my dissociation & depersonalization issues have been more intense lately, i mentioned the BDI points i got and also that i'd like to possibly meet up with a social worker, to discuss my financial situation. she told me she'd inform my doctor about all of it, so that he could maybe call me or set the appointments he thinks i'd benefit from. all in all i was really happy with the results of both of the phone calls today, and i feel ridiculously proud of myself for getting through them! maybe things'll get better? even if not, at least i'll be receiving some support.

it was a good day at the paja in other ways as well. even though i missed the last 30 and had to take an 8 which was full as hell, i took a 2 from sori and i got there early. i felt better than i have in weeks, because for once i had had some sleep. i played a few rounds of solitaire while i had my first two cups of coffee, and j, v and sa were hanging out at the sofas. in bujo group i got to talking with ju again and found out we have even more in common than just having gone to the same school - her parents are pentecostals, so she also gets the religious background shit. it was another good talk; i really like her! there were two new people, one of them nice and one a bit creepy. the creepy one listened closely to mine and ju's conversation, but didn't pitch in. s had gotten the group some new empty notebooks, and i almost switched, but then decided to stick with the old one. even if i don't really like it, i would've felt too bad abandoning it, lmao. # brave little toaster syndrome. okay it would've felt wasteful too, and i'm always grateful when i get anything for free, so. i'm just gonna suck it up with the blank pure white pages and the tight-knit back. later on i had a talk with sa in the kitchen while we ate our lunches, and after that jo came in and sat next to me cursing at a computer. warmed my heart, especially since os is ill and haven't been around this week - there should always be a guy in the corner of a sofa cursing softly, lol. we also had a really nice talk with so, oo and je, about neurodivergence and shit related to it. when oo talked about being 99% sure she's autistic, i recommended getting officially diagnosed and applying for the ov rehab i went to. she hadn't heard about it, as usually no one has, so i felt like that talk was my today's good work done, haha. i think i'm also getting a bit into k's world/head too, she doesn't seem as odd to me anymore, though i'm still not fully comfortable around her. ma also briefly hung out and we talked about baking, i really like her too. i still find it weird that there are so many people i don't hate at the paja, lmao! really though. s was as charming as they usually are, and even hotter than usually, as it was work out day... i still can't maintain eye contact with them, sometimes i can't even glance at them. it's pathetic and i hate it, i wish i could just behave normally - i'm pretty sure they know something's going on, which of course just makes everything even worse. sighhhhh.

okay. now i'll eat and go to bed - the creative writing group starts at ten, and i'm hoping to be there on time. fingies crossed!