just someone random

stupid thoughts and life
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2023-01-25 18:35:00 (UTC)

do u hate me

one of my friends told me he hated me when I jokingly closed the door on one of my other friends after holding it open for others.
I think he was kidding? because we all laughed it off?
was he joking?
were you joking?
do you really hate me?
When the friend I closed the door on tried to say, "oh, but you hate everyone,"
he responded with, "no i don't, just her."
so do you really hate me?
i tried to laugh it off but it kind of hurt. no, it hurt a lot.
i'm sorry i act the way i do. I realize too late that sometimes it looks like im trying to be in the center of attention. trying to be angsty.
im not, i just have problems lol
i don't know how to fix myself and i have been trying my entire life. i know im the problem, not others, because every friend i get, i lose.

and i can't even make up excuses for the way i act because i know everyone goes through hardships and they all seem fine, so why am i not fine? why am i so sensitive and why am i so mean? and its not like ive been through really hard stuff, i havent lost a family member besides my grandpa who i didn't even know that well
and i know some of my friends have been through worse but they are still absolute angels so
what is wrong with me?????
I really really really really
idk
And i want to be able to stop complaining about myself online and wallow in self pity like this but its the only way i cope lol

i realize that, no matter hard i try, im never going to be that perfect person i want to be.
i was flawed from the beginning and i gradually get worse.
and its like sometimes i get drunk in the moment and i say something or do something that causes people to exchange glances or say, "whoa, that's too far" and then all of a sudden my mind returns to the present moment and realize what i just did/said.
then ill think about it for the rest of the week, the rest of my life, vowing to never talk again.
but i do the same mistake over and over and over.
and even when im trying to not draw attention towards me, i end up drawing attention and making it look like i was trying to draw attention.
like the vow to not tell other people my secrets.
i see that people can find it stupid but i took the vow because if i tell someone i will hate myself for months for it. because when i tell people about myself it ends up sounding like im trying to gain their sympathy, and although while they are listening to me like they care i know theyll go and tell other people and maybe say that i seem like im making my problems a bigger deal than it is. so its better if i just stay quiet.

i think the only person in the world that thinks i am a nice person is my mom.
and i know i have best friends that are practically angels in human bodies but they probably think i am annoying sometimes too. which is another reason why i vowed to stay silent.

then again i feel like everything im doing to fix myself is wrong and im just making things worse.
oh well idk what else to do at this point
i want to stop trying but as long as im alive ill probably never stop

and also, am i really being just an angsty teenager if i hated myself since i was five?
if i attempted suicide at five? (or six, cant remember the exact age)
was i being an angsty teenager then, too?

i need to do math homework


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