Rantings of a restless mind
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2023-01-25 22:33:16 (UTC)

Random thoughts

All my life, I have never really fit in anywhere... not even with my blood family. This was the basis for a lot of my self issues, as it was a core belief that there was something wrong with me. I spent a lot of time working on me to "make me a better person" bc a lot of my behaviors were coming from a place of deep wounds and misconceived beliefs about who I was and what kind of person I was, bc of my choices. Now I have made my share of bad decisions and while there may be many people who have not made the decisions I have made, a lot of them have made their own share of bad decisions as well. They still seemed to be well accepted and loved, so that couldn't be it. In my self healing journey I learned that I had beliefs of my unworthiness and undeserving of love and attracted people who would validate those beliefs, and that made sense to me... in my journey I also realized that there is nothing "wrong" with me. I was just in a place of powerlessness and victim mentality bc of what I had experienced and believed bc of those experiences, and was creating more experiences to solidify the beliefs that were creating the experiences in the first place.... WOW!!!! Talk about a vicious circle!! How many of us are currently having this experience? How many of us are even aware we are having this experience?? So back to "fitting in" . I would like to think I have made strides in my healing journey and feel that I am pretty open to love and friendships and accept people where they are, whether they are someone I want close or as an acquaintance. I used to be so lonely that I would accept anyone into my life and had many connections that were one sided, and I will admit there were some that were one sided by my own actions. I am pretty selective of who I choose to be intimate (not physically) with and have found that all my connections at this time are superficial. There were a couple that I had hopes for and some I allowed myself to believe were more than they actually were... so here I find myself, happier, being true to my heart and my self, loving who I am, but still alone. Nobody is interested in the things I think about, the topics I want to discuss, or maybe even just me. I honestly thought once I did my inner work, facing my shadows and began to love and accept myself, things would change. So I am wondering, if maybe I am destined to walk alone? As I type this words I feel the tears welling... so maybe on some level I still take it personally, or am getting triggered bc of some repressed emotions. I know I am just not on most people's level. I am not saying that in a superior context at all, it's just an observation. I hear what my co-worker friends talk about and it's mostly stuff I have no interest in... sometimes, I interject with a thought or perspective, but am usually not involved. I will admit, there are times when I long to have a deep conversation with someone about the "crazy" things that interest me... like mysticism, spirituality, universal mysteries...etc... There is a guy I used to go to school with, and we are friends again, or at least in touch, and he has introduced me to some interesting topics... but he is never available to talk about them, or even talk to me period. LOL It's weird... he pops in and out very briefly. At one time he implied interest, but his actions triggered me and I had to examine those... maybe that was a turn off for him, but he seems to be such a guarded person, that he confuses me, so it's just as well. I had hopes that he would at least be someone I could have those conversations with though.
Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am going to be alone and need to accept that. It's not like I don't like my own company, I do enjoy my solitude and I acknowledge that I had isolated myself for awhile, but I will say that I felt it was good for me until it wasn't and now I am working on "re-entering" society. The weird things is that when I do make plans to attend something or participate in plans with my coworker friends, it seems something always comes up, and plans get cancelled . So what's that about? I feel I have lost my train of thought, as I am at work and keep getting interrupted. So much for random thoughts... I do feel a little better though. Peace out.